February 18, 2009
One day she's your best buddy; the next day she won't return your phone calls. She's your frenemy... you know, your friend/enemy. She's a part of your life, but should you invest in a relationship that makes you feel bad? Dana Loesch of Mamalogues asks our panelists, "How do you handle a toxic friend?"
Have you had a toxic friend? Do you currently? Do you think people should cut frenemies out of their lives or try to repair the friendships? Join the Momversation by commenting in the forums below:
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28 Comments
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Thu, 2010-03-04 10:45
Ewgwergjhvw
Wed, 2010-03-03 18:10
DxUJg5 http://jegabguyxjbf.com/
Wed, 2010-03-03 06:05
hR7ujq http://lergxpotndyx.com/
Wed, 2010-03-03 03:52
Here is a great article to read if you want to know what to do if your child or teen is hanging out with the wrong crowd. Thanks!
Tue, 2009-09-01 07:09
For me,i dont have much friends because i am a stay at home mom,so going out and meeting people does not really happen in my world.However i do have a couple of girlfriends who i do speak to and hang out with on a regular.Then there is my bff of 6yrs, this girl have been there for me through some ruff times in my life. But to tell you the truth I really dont know how i have put up with her for so long,i really really dont know how i have not gone mad a told her something hurtful.I have tried holding on to her because of the way she helped me out when i needed it and the fact that she will still be here for me if i needed her.This chick is good at heart but can be the biggest b**ch when she is ready,she is so fake,and speak about others in the worst way.She is one who will condemn you for something and will be there doing the same thing and worst,she puts herself on top of the world like she is always better than everyone else.Everyday i ask myself why bother?It has been 6yrs and i have repaid her for all she has done for me.
WHy, why, why?I have ask God to just let me get the courage to just end the long friendship that i have grown tired of .How do i end a friendship with someone who i know will always be here for me? HELP,I DONT LIKE THE NEGATIVITY!!!
Mon, 2009-03-23 09:46
This episode would have been about 5,000 times more interesting if any of the panelists had actually given some sort of hint as to WHY the "friends" in question were judged toxic.
I think that also would have informed a discussion about how difficult it might be to "break up" with them and how necessary that was.
I watched the whole thing wondering when someone would get to that. Like, what the hell happened? What sort of transgression are we talking about here? Did she try to seduce your husband? Abandoned your pet she was supposed to be caring for while you were out of town? Or just said she didn't care for a shirt you were wearing one day? Everyone speaks of "toxic friend" as if it's a given that everyone is on the same page. However, unless that conversation did actually take place and some sort of meaningful collective definition was hammered out offscreen, I'd bet there's as many definitions of "toxic friend" as there were panelists.
I get that the panelists were probably NOT wanting to give a shout out to the "toxic friends," or encourage additional contact (in the cases of TFs that had been 86'd). But conversations about situations that are left absolutely vague are rarely that interesting.
Tue, 2009-02-24 10:54
I can't help worrying about those toxic people's lives. EVERY 'toxic' person I've known is severely depressed. I only had one unrelated friend who I would consider toxic, and although it was hard to be the only one there for him when he needed a shoulder to cry on (he was severely negative toward others I cared deeply about), it was not hard to eventually be "cut out" anyway for not living up to his friendship standards. (Oooooo!)
The toxic folks in my life are relatives, so I don't have a choice. It would be SO MUCH easier to simply cut my parents out of my life, but that would be unfair to my children. (I completely understand why my mom's siblings avoid her, and feel bad that I am only getting to know them in my adult life.) Family, for me, is where we learn the greatest love lessons. It's really hard work to keep a positive relationship with them, but I can become a better person from it.
My nickname for one sister-in-law is "The Wicked Step-Sister." I don't know how to deal with her, and due to her negativity she has lost all her friends, ended her toxic marriage, and I am always on edge waiting for her to blow up in some awful way, or wonder what she's saying behind my back. Again, terrible, but I CAN'T shut her out of my life (even though she admittedly hates me-but who doesn't she hate?)... and I worry for her. I sincerely hope she can like herself enough to be happy one day...
As far as my other friendships, I'm not bothered by little things, or forgetfulness. We weren't invited to one friends wedding, but we're not going to cut them out of our lives because of it. So what if I'm not at the top of their list for an expensive, limited gathering (I can't afford a great gift right now anyway) - I'm still gonna join them for game night now and then.
For me, the wider I cast my friendship net, the more possibility I have for some meaningful relationships and fantastic possibilities. Also, I make stupid mistakes sometimes (due to being raised by folks who never taught tact), and a forgiving friend is one of the world's most wonderful gifts!
Mon, 2009-02-23 01:23
ooooooh I didnt even know you COULD break up with a girlfriend! I am so meek I dont even think id have the guts to do it though. Ive always been a magnet for toxic friends. I think because I'm such a push over. Right now, I have one super close girlfriend who is absolutely amazing. We see each other once a week and its the perfect balance -
I wish I realized early on to recognize a good friend and recognize a bad one. I remember my mom trying to teach me these things and I just didn't get it until I was like... 20.
I always hate the friendships that over-obligate you and the friends who dont realize I have a child or a family or a mortgage or that I watch my movies and make tamales and I don't want to go on a daily playdate or have to call you back every five minutes. I have several friends who I see twice a year and we email here and there.
(im so glad i registered to comment today - Im seriously going to leave so many today :P )
Sat, 2009-02-21 17:30
Love the new guest blogger! She's awesome!
Fri, 2009-02-20 09:02
It is so coincidental that this topic was brought up as I just got rid of a toxic friend after knowing her for 9 years. It's an odd thing-- we were oddly attracted to each other (not physically, I mean), and enjoyed talking and such but truly, we hated each other and were jealous of certain aspects of the others' personality. Weird how that can happen.
We hadn't really spoken in 6 months because I figured we both had finally come to the conclusion that we didn't like each other and it was not worth keeping up communication. THEN out of the blue, she posts a nasty, condescending comment on my facebook which might seem innocuous to outsiders but it was specially crafted to hurt me. She is such a genius in bitchiness.
At that point I blocked her FB profile and now that she's moved out of the state I hope I will never see her again. It was like extracting poising from my life and I couldn't be happier.
I know this doesn't add much to the conversation but I just HAD to share.
Thu, 2009-02-19 23:03
I have had a few toxic friendships in my lifetime and I have come to this realization that maybe we were only supposed to be friends for that short period of time. When we were "together" we were stuck to the hip, but when my time with them was over and things got to be more frustrating than uplifting we just quietly (albeit awkwardly) split ways.
I have had only 3 friends in my life that I have had toxic relationships with; once after 8th grade graduation, once after college graduation, and once during my (almost daily) concert going years. When I look back at those pretty major milestones in my life, I made the observation that maybe those were friendships were not meant to last till the end of time. Maybe they were just to get me through those rough, rocky, awkward times; and once they were over the friendships went with them. Maybe toxic friendships are a necessary evil that we need to get through specific times in our lives.
Thu, 2009-02-19 18:32
This reminds me of the second Bridget Jones book and her description of one of her friends as a jellyfish (nice until it comes out of no where and strings you and leaves you smarting and wondering where it came from). Unfortunately I have had my share of toxic friends since I tend to become friends with other off-beat individuals. One in particular I live many states away from by still I can feel the toxic vibes. Years ago I remember a particular epic melt-down and freak out since I had left the house and hung out with other friends instead of chatting with her online.
I definitely agree with you all that something about the female nature makes ending friendships particularly hard. Females like to take sides and play mind games and the strategies and...!! The list just goes on.
Generally I have a hard time just "breaking up" with friends and it was great hearing all your experiences in it. I guess true friends show themselves and you just to weed out the toxins.
Thu, 2009-02-19 16:19
Thank you so much. I've been needing the courage to break up with a "friend" for sometime now and just haven't really gotten the balls to do it. To make a long story short, we were best friends in college--we even rented a house together our first year off campus. It was around that time that I found out that she was attracted to me. Talk about a shock. The confirmation came when she kissed me goodbye! Yuck! Whenever I started dating my husband, she became a total ***** and just hasn't stopped. She's disrespectful to my husband and I just can't tolerate it. I've tried the disappearing act and she keeps finding me and doesn't seem to get the hint. She just recently messaged me on facebook. Does it count if you just stop speaking to them? Or do you really have to talk? I've tried it before...Maybe I'm just not firm enough. I'm a mom now and really owe it to my son and husband to have healthy people in our lives.
Thanks again.
http://www.takereasydude.blogspot.com/
Thu, 2009-02-19 06:18
I only had two in my life...
One kind of got rid of itself. I had moved to D.C. to take a semester off from college and she joined the Army. We had been friends since the 6th grade, but we both just outgrew the relationship. There had been signs that I had ignored, but in the end it needed to be over.
I have reconciled with one friend who was a total emotional and psychic vampire. She's grown and grown up a lot, which has made all the difference. Unfortunately we were out of each others lives through marriages, a divorce, and 3 kids combined, but we're great friends now.
I'm old enough to recognize toxic people up front now, so I haven't wasted any good friend energy on any bloodsuckers since college.
Quel
http://www.homegirl.typepad.com
Wed, 2009-02-18 17:47
I had a friendship that was so close, she was like my sister. She was passive-aggressive with me nearly everyday. She could not be happy for my successes. She could not bring herself to give a compliment unless she was obviously screwing up all her energy to be phony. She would phone me to complain about her other friendships, always fighting with other women and griping. I put up with it all. I wanted to avoid an argument and I was used to that kind of behaviour from my own mother.
Something would happen and I'd send her a letter detailing how she was hurting me, how she was frustrating, what she needed to work on, and she'd cut me out. No discussion. Eventually, after many months or even a year, we'd make up.
The same thing would happen all over again.
The last time we went through this cycle she said she was done, that I was always sending her these horrible, hurtful letters. Actually, they were matter-of-fact, and what she failed to recognize were the tens of ways she tore me down everyday.
Since then, I have never had a friendship that comes even close to that. All my girlfriends, and I have many, are good women with enough self-esteem that they don't need to tear me down to make themselves feel better. I have one woman who, for reasons I can't possibly understand because she doesn't like me, keeps trying to be my friend. But from the moment I met her, her phony girl behaviour reminded me of my ex-frenemy.
I steer far away from women who are competitive, jealous, catty, gossipy. The love and acceptance I experience with my friends now makes up for a lifetime of unhappiness and lack of affection from my family.
Most importantly, I try to be the kind of friend I would want: genuine, honest but gentle, forgiving, encouraging, good humoured, and I don't gossip, ever. I don't get my feelings hurt because I don't read into things what's not there. I don't take offense easily. I assume that I'm dearly loved.
It took getting to a point in my life where I realized I deserved better. Cutting my toxic friend out of my life helped me to finally shed the behaviour I mirrored in her like a bad habit. It was instantaneous-- my new attitude and behaviour.
In the years since dumping her, I have never had a single fight with any of my friends, nor have I held resentment for more than half a day and that was on one occasion. And seeing as she regularly had fights with her friends, I stopped assuming that I was the problem and saw the truth for what it was!
Wed, 2009-02-18 13:13
I've always find that people get really angry when you DON'T just call them names. When you use actual big-girl words and get specific they FLIP OUT because they know there's truth in it and that you're being a critical thinker, not just exaggerating to let off steam. And at that point they know the only appropriate response from them needs to be, "You're right. I'm sorry." and asking some people to say that is like asking them to amputate their own gangrene limb: they know they have to, they know that keeping the gangrene (anger, resentment, pride) will kill them but they don't have the ovaries to woman up and do what's needed.
It's true-- "eventually you stop worrying that they'll even grow." That said a lot right there.
Fri, 2009-02-20 08:19
I had a friend like that in high school, though I think we are all kind of like that in high school? Anyway, I had to get rid of her in early college, she made me miserable. And then there was another friend in college who was jealous of my relationship with a mutual friend of ours, and was a champion backstabber. I ended up leaving that whole group of friends because no one ever really defended me.
Now, I don't have very many women friends. I think it was subconsciously to avoid this type of thing altogether. A guy friend will never call you just to say stuff like, "Hey, why don't you give me that red top, you're too fat to wear it anyway." Or, "Are you just about done trying to steal my boyfriend or what?"
Wed, 2009-02-18 11:34
I took my baby to see a friend who had yet to see my son, making a trek into knuckle-whitening, traffic-clogged Hollywood (a big deal!). We were together for less than an hour and apparently that was enough for her--just as my son fell asleep on my lap, my friend "suddenly remembered" some work she had to do and I was dismissed. This woman is not married and does not have children and she wants those things very much and I think this "want" had to do with how she treated me that day. Still, my feelings were so hurt! And I let her know this. She responded by calling ME "hurtful". It's not the first time I've been told by her that I need to be understanding of her "situation", or been snubbed by her, or had her cancel plans on me. I am an understanding person, but I felt it was basically one way. I left that relationship. 6 months later she wrote to me admitting she was insensitive and that she craves my friendship. I believe in personal growth and change and I hope she is growing and changing, but I don't think she's ever going to change when it comes to the way she treats me--this conclusion reached after a few sessions of soul searching. I thanked her for her apology (I sincerely did appreciate it), but that's it. I'm moving on. Truthfully, I'd rather have no friends than repeatedly be treated unkindly by someone I'm calling a friend. I got out of it as gracefully as I could, did the best I could. I don't regret leaving.
Wed, 2009-02-18 11:04
Maybe I have been hurt once too many by girl"friends" but I choose to stay away from women friends in general. I went to an all girls catholic school and I still get nightmares sometimes; all the back stabbing, the "competitivness" and the putting down of other girls that went around made me less attracted to women as friends. I can count how many girlfriends I have right now on of one hand (and still have a couple of fingers left to spare).
It just seems that women are just so cruel toward each other sometimes.
Wed, 2009-02-18 10:48
I can totally relate to you prettybabies. I too had a friend throughout high school who made everything about her, only I didn't realize it until later. I didn't know who I was so she took advantage of that and took control of my life. I remember wanting to be just like her. Oh how misguided I was. Our friendship had a falling out my senior year when I suddenly started being my own person. Years later I find myself in the same small town as her and she's wanting to cultivate our friendship again. I figured we're both big girls now and way past high school so I've consented. Unfortunately I've been feeling more hurt and stressed since she's reentered my life.
I've been having fertility issues for a couple of years now and it's been really hard on me. I'm not a walking pity party, but sometimes I just need to vent about how inconsiderate, awkward, stupid, and downright rude people are about it. My "friend" has zero tolerance for my feelings and thinks I'm being ungrateful for the opportunity to adopt. I think adoption is a wonderful blessing for so many people, including quite possibly myself, but a woman still has to cope with the fact that her body isn't doing what it was designed to do. My friend actually said to me, "Why are you so upset that you can't have children? You have a free ticket to adopt. I've always wanted to adopt, but my husband doesn't want to. It's so difficult for me." And she says this as she's holding her newborn which is also her third child. She took MY infertility issue and made it about poor HER! Where's the rule that you can't adopt if you have your own children already?!
I've decided that she is and will always be toxic to me so I'm looking forward to moving away for my hubby's medical school because it will cause that friendship to dissolve once again, this time for good. For now I limit the time I spend with her and I've stopped sharing anything close to my heart. I only talk about surface stuff with her and to be honest, she hasn't really noticed because she's so wrapped up in herself. If I didn't have the bail-out of moving, I would have to take a stand and do a clean cut.
Wed, 2009-02-18 10:39
Good friends are golden. Keep em'. I have old college friends, work friends, yoga friends, and dear best friends. Not a toxic one in the bunch. I'm a staight shooter so I don't put up with any bull shit.
Tracy
Wed, 2009-02-18 09:42
I had a friend for a very long time who sucked the life out of me. She and I became friends my freshman year of high school. She was a bridesmaid in my wedding. But she made EVERYTHING about her (even MY wedding!). She expected me to drop everything and jump when she called, no matter what, to the exclusion of everything else. She made some very questionable choices in her private life... choices that I didn't agree with and felt reflected badly on me. She was ALL about drama all the time. She was demanding. Being her friend was EXHAUSTING.
After a couple of "offs" in our on and off friendship, I finally broke it off for good. I just wasn't getting out of the relationship what I was putting into it.
Life is short and time is limited - I don't have enough time to spend on the people I *want* to be around - why spend time on people I don't really want to be around?
I didn't "break up" with her - just stopped returning her calls. It didn't take long for her to get the hint. If she had confronted me, though, I would've said, "I'm sorry, but I don't believe that I'm getting out of this as much as I'm putting into it, and I have other priorities right now."
Amy @ http://prettybabies.blogspot.com
Wed, 2009-02-18 07:43
What do you do when the most toxic person in your life is your mother???
I have two close friends. I like to keep it low like that because of how mean woman can be. Maybe I just keep finding mean girls because of my growing up experience. Maybe I'm less tolerant because of my childhood and adulthood with my mother.
I didn't speak to my mother or have anything to do with her for 2 years. I'm sure not gonna keep someone else in my life who can't control their behavior or mouth or whatever. Its like this: You can't be nice-k- get gone.
Actually, now that I'm thinking about it, what does "close" really mean? Does it mean hanging out all the time and calling them up the moment you are distressed and visa versa? Then I have 0 close girlfriends.
I'm just not anxious to hang out with people in general.
Wed, 2009-02-18 07:31
Honey, I am with you. I totally feel like the most toxic relationships that I've had were with relatives, not friends.
I think having a few very close friends are better than having lots of friends. Luckily, as an adult, you get to choose what "close" means to you. I define 'close' as people the people who tell me the truth - like saying, "those jeans really don't fit right."
Wed, 2009-02-18 22:04
Completely agree. Friendships should be a happy addition to your life as opposed to bringing you down all the time. When I was younger I had a lot of toxic friends, not only in the negative 'bring you down' aspects but also just the simple fact that these girls were just not good for me in the 'let's get in as much trouble as possible and then blame it all on you' aspect. There is a line. Once crossed you start to realize there are just more important things in life, like being happy, healthy (which is not easy to do with little wasps fluttering around your head) and comfortable enough to say 'enough is enough... smarten up and start acting like a real friend or bugger off'!
Wed, 2009-02-18 07:27
I have let go of quite a few friends during important/painful/happy life transitions. If a friend basically backs out of your life after a close loved one dies, are they worth keeping around during the good times? if a friend does not bother to congratulate you after you have a baby but then pops up in your life several months later to share their big news, is that really a friend?
I don't know if these would be considered "toxic" friends as described by the panelists. It is painful to lose friends but big upheavals in life can give you the opportunity to do some house cleaning that helps in the long run. It also opens you up to new experiences and new people you may not have run across because you were wrapped up in friends who were way past their expiration date.
Wed, 2009-02-18 05:39
I agree.
There are friends that I truly consider to be real friends that I may not talk to on a regular basis but I know that if I need them they're there and vice versa. Its a good idea to do a little spring cleaning every once in awhile and evaluate friendships that you've cultivated. If the friendship isn't mutually beneficial, or you spend most of your time tip-toeing around to not piss them off, then its not worth it. Just break up. :O)
I do agree with the panelists that getting rid of those friends can be harder than getting rid of a boyfriend. We tell friends things that we wouldn't tell other people and if things end badly, you have to just cross your fingers and hope that they're big enough to not try and use any of that junk as ammunition.
Nikki
www.lucidinsanity.net
Wed, 2009-02-18 08:37