What Did You Allow in Your Second Pregnancy?

This is such a great episode. I don't plan on ever having biological children, but this whole pregnancy process and the way women deal with it interests me greatly. A part of me kind of yearns for me to be pregnant (yeah, I'm one of those types), but reading and hearing about pregnancy kind of satisfies me enough (and I'll be honest, scares me enough) to the point where I'm not out there trying to get knocked up.

My mother pretty much followed the book with her first pregnancy, and she was pretty stressed. She found out that her husband wasn't only cheating on her, but had another family completely set with another wife and children. She divorced him while pregnant and never saw him again, opting to raise her child completely on her own. She wouldn't even accept child support from him.

After that experience, I think she set out to not feel stressed with another pregnancy ever again. She got remarried and had five more children, smoking through each pregnancy and indulging in what she craved. Pregnant women shouldn't smoke, of course, but she managed to luck out, as none of us had medical problems.

She did end up quitting when I was six or seven, though. She got the hint when me and my siblings kept soaking her cigarettes with water and throwing them away.

Thu, 2009-05-28 05:18

heather, can i just make out with you? please? you crack my ass right up! hell yes to not picking up a frickin pregnancy book... hell yes to the cocaine on weekends only... and hell absolutely yes to the perks of prenatals... my hair never looked so good.

anyway, moving on... i have a 13 month old and i've been told by my husband's cousin (who has a 3 year old and a 13 month old) that when your first child reaches 16 months, you start thinking about when to have your second baby...

OVER MY DEAD BODY, i told her.

however, when the day comes when i either have another "oopsy" baby (like our son) or plan out when we will have our next child, i imagine i will be slightly more relaxed with the pregnancy as a whole.

the last 3 months of my pregnancy with our son, jackson, my husband was deployed. i was an enormous, hormonal, emotional, (did i mention ENORMOUS) crazed human being. and so i read everything i could get my hands on, fixated on "nesting" (mindy, yes, the sheets), and basically drove myself nuts finding all the "answers" before the "test" came.... by myself.

so, whenever the next one comes, i'm hoping that A) my husband won't be in another country and B) i'll keep everything heather just said in mind... continue with coffee, don't pick up a pregnancy book, enjoy prenatals, keep the cocaine to a minumum.

awesome episode ladies!

cheers!
nic

http://www.mybottlesup.com

Thu, 2009-05-28 06:19

I just have to say that the post-birth photo of Mindy Roberts is a great picture. It's really hard to believe she gave birth immediately prior to that. I so cannot say that any of the ones from after my son was born are good enough to put them in an album, much less on the internet. My face looks oddly pudgy and I grabbed the wrong lipstick on the way out the door (which doesn't sound that crucial, but it was like 80s hot pink and the eye is just drawn to it, more so than the new and lovely little baby in the photo). I had my hair cut the day before and it looks... short, to say the least, as in any shorter would have made me look like I was in the hospital for chemotherapy.
Also, I totally understand about the whole "sure, those are some cute sheets, but if I have to wash any more laundry, this child is going to be an orphan" feeling. The clean-up afterwards was just incredible. What I most remember about those first months was feeling tired, hating breast feeding and laundry. My son is in those memories, but the whole joy and magic thing was eclipsed from the beginning. I literally went home from the hospital and cleaned my house. My husband wouldn't help because he was working a lot at that time and his family came to visit. It wasn't good...
I'm really hoping to enjoy the second pregnancy more - someday.

Thu, 2009-05-28 10:14

I actually was more cautious in my 2nd pregnancy. My 1st and 2nd child were 16 months apart and I actually had a miscarriage in between them! Yikes! In retrospect, I am lucky that my uterus didn't fall out!

I was more cautious because of the miscarriage, but also because I had already had a baby and had a better grasp of the fact I actually had a human being inside of me.

My 3rd and 4th I was actually psycho woman. My husband was deployed a lot during that time and I didn't want him to worry about me so I did a lot more than most pregnant American women do. I have always been irked by women who treat pregnancy as a disability. I was mowing the yard in the Texas summer heat with my 2-year-old daughter in a pack on my back while pregnant with my 4th. I just didn't let it slow me down but I also drank tons of water, ate healthy, and got as much rest as possible. I guess I found a practical line to tow between being your typical pregnant invalid and getting everything done that needed to be.

I spent my first pregnancy in denial that I was pregnant. I didn't do unhealthy things by any means, but I was also not paranoid like lot of first time moms are (understandably so). So the second time around I was more cautious and the third and fourth time life just necessitated that I be super mom!

My OB was extremely sensible and with my first kido he told me that caffeine was ok unless I was drinking a pot of coffee a day. So I had diet coke and coffee in moderation. I ate tuna but not more than a can or 2 a week. I went jogging, I lifted things, and anything else that I needed to but I did it with caution (proper lifting techniques etc).

Thu, 2009-05-28 10:16

shit! did i not do the video right?!?

Thu, 2009-05-28 10:19

Okay, complete honesty.

My first pregnancy was everything it should have been. I had morning sickness when I should have had it, I felt movement before I should have, I puked VIOLENTLY at the slightest whiff of cig or cigar smoke (so hard that my ARMS hurt and I peed my pants...which also happened in the second pregnancy) and I was a very very happy pregnant person, despite the constant cough that turned out to be a reflux thing. I wasn't worried, I did everything right, and I really enjoyed being pregnant. It was PAINFUL a few times, but for the most part...it was wonderful. We had planned to get pregnant, we did, and we were going to have a baby and heaven help us if it was a boy because we couldn't agree on boy names and we wanted to be surprised...

Well, we were surprised. He was a boy, and we did agree on a name, Rhys, thankfully before he died four days after he was born.

No one knew he had anything wrong with him. He was PERFECT in every single way. In the breastfeeding classes the hospital offered to new moms who had just given birth, I had this big, chubby 8 pounder with hair and beautiful eyes and everyone else had these scrawny, bald, or just plain yoda babies (that some babies are just born that way and it takes a couple of months to grow out of the yoda stage. That's just facts.)

But he had HLHS, which is Hypoplastic Left Heart Syndrome, and did not exhibit a SINGLE cardiac symptom. We didn't know until the autopsy.

That was in 1997. In 1998, I had a miscarriage, a blighted ovum.

So, when I got pregnant (when I would have been due for the miscarriage!!) in 1999, my entire pregnancy was spent in a constant state of panic. Every piece of toilet paper was inspected for blood, and I had no less than 13 ultrasounds, from five weeks on up. My Ob/Gyn's office was so great, I could be freaking out, and call them, and they'd say, "Okay, why don't you just come on in, and we'll take a look, or listen to the baby's heart, and it's fine, everything is fine." They were fantastic and understanding, and when Ripley Honor Elora was born (with a VERY minor heart defect, the kind you don't find unless you're looking for something else, and it self corrected by the time she was four) healthy and strong, coming in under her brother at 7 lbs 15 oz (but then she was only one day late, he was eight days late) it was a celebration. My friends on the internet had gotten together and sent gifts and money to the friend who lived closest to me, and after Ripley was born and healthy, THEN they threw me a shower, all online with my doula, who was the friend who did all the shopping for the big ticket items my friends decided they wanted to buy for us there with me in person while the rest were in chat.

I was constantly scared while I was pregnant with Ripley. I couldn't enjoy it, because I knew what could happen. I knew how easily and how quickly she could be taken from me.

While it is very life affirming to have a child after a loss, it's also stressful. I wanted a boy. I wanted MY boy, and I know it's so good Ripley is a girl. If she had been a boy, I'm not sure how well I could have separated a second boy child, and my Rhys. And that's not fair to any child, living or dead, but especially living.

So, like most everything else in my life, my experience is backwards from everyone elses. In raw, physical terms, the second pregnancy was the same as the first, except for the weird obsession with buffalo wings. I HATE them. And I craved them and ate them through my pregnancy like the were gods ambrosia. Tried them after my pregnancy? Still hate them. Physically it was the same, but I wasn't the only person on constant pins and needles, and the tests (mostly ultrasound, I refused other tests...I just wanted to play, "Let's all count the heart chambers, shall we? And the ever popular, "Does my baby have a brain?") results so we could know, or at least be sure of whatever MIGHT be there, so we could be prepared. For what, I don't know.

Even if we had known of Rhys' heart defect, the end would have been the same. He had such a severe case, and so many vascular abnormalities that at the time, while they might have kept him alive a little longer, he would have never left the hospital, and he wouldn't have LIVED. I only wish I knew in hindsight, because I would have liked to have given him a peaceful death, instead of doctors frantically trying to stabilize him enough to find out what was so wrong with him.

In the end, my second pregnancy didn't end with a funeral, and that was the biggest difference.

Thu, 2009-05-28 12:23

I think I was more relaxed with my first, honestly, despite several pre-term labor worries.
My second pregnancy I rented a fetal heart monitor. And I would do it for a third. THAT'S how neurotic I get. I really get all sorts of crazy, like SERIOUSLY mentally crazy, when I'm pregnant with ridiculous irrational fears. Both times I was pregnant I was convinced someone was trying to poison me. (Different person each pregnancy.) Funny thing is, I was almost sure I was being irrational but I couldn't convince myself of it. Ugh, and then the panic induced by the triple screen test that I agreed to during my 2nd. That alone was a good month's worth of panic.
But active-wise, I was definitely more active with my 2nd as I was working full-time and going to school full-time. I eventually had to take a semester off from school cause 2 programming classes + calculus + pregnant brain = crying disaster.

Maybe when I decide to go for #3, I'll calm the heck down (aside from the monitor rental part).

Fri, 2009-05-29 10:37

this was a great episode

Fri, 2009-05-29 20:47

Ugg, I cant even think about having a 2nd one. I suck.

trisha
momdot.com

Thu, 2009-09-17 12:00