Which Parent Has the Better Deal?

Anytime I start to think that "HE GETS THE BETTER DEAL...." I try really, really, really hard to put the shoe on the other foot. It doesn't always work...but, I do try. My story reads basically the same as bwankel's...with a little bit of what Maggie and Bryan do. We keep pretty good track of "who's turn it is" in our house. The hardest duty for us, with our 15 month old is who wakes up in the morning with her. Not one person in our house is a morning person. There's always flailing elbows and bony knees in the morning in regards to "who's turn it is to get up and get the breakfast ready for the kid."

In the beginning, I would say it was very different...I felt like I took on the majority of the hard work (feedings, changings, baths, household stuff, 10x more laundry, late night stuff, etc). I remember several nights of yelling "I can't do this tonight, I just CAN'T!" But, also (putting that shoe on the other foot), I was one of those moms who wouldn't let him do anything b/c he "didn't do it right." I took on the majority of the household things as well as the baby things.

We did find chores that we could share and it took several months of arguing with the man about responsibilities and effects they have on our relationship....but we did figure out some things. I do the majority of the dishes/laundry/cleaning/cooking/grocery shopping/kid stuff. BUT, he does help do the things that I hate doing. He helps hang up and fold clean laundry. He will do grocery shopping if I need him to. Some Saturdays, he wakes up early with the babe and takes her out on "errands" so that I can catch a few extra hours of sleep.

I also think that sharing the parental responsibilities got a lot easier after our baby became more mobile, attentive, interactive and toddler-like because my husband took more interest in the kid who does "tricks." haha. I always say how much I miss the baby days, and he always reminds me how much fun she is now. It's just a different way of looking at things that has helped us tremendously.

After reading these comments and seeing the vids, i'm thinking that baby 2 (whenever, if ever that happens) will be a lot easier to manage b/c we'll have the experience and we'll know what to expect from each other. The first ones are hard, though!

Wed, 2009-06-10 08:59

Having twins is a sure fire way to ensure that this inequality doesn't happen! From day one it has been a team effort and because (sadly) my babes don't nurse, it has been more even. With the exception of those first three months where I was dedicated to pumping and I was up longer in the middle of the night because of it, there hasn't been an issue. I have never had the "luxury" of judging how poorly my husband changes a diaper or washes a bottle. He is just as clumsy as I am.

Now that I'm staying home and he works, there are just two different flavors of suck. I never get a moment off, for me chill time is dealing with one child instead of two, but I can wear my PJs all day if I want. Eric is always "on", whether it's proving himself at work, having the pressure of being the primary bread winner or coming home, dropping his stuff and taking a baby off my hands. He does get to go out in to the world though and gets to converse with grown ups.

We both have our ups and downs, but I am lucky in that it is both equal. Sadly, neither of us are "getting ours". It's been six months and we still haven't hired a babysitter yet so we can go on a date for Christ Sakes!

Wed, 2009-06-03 15:50

I LOVE what nicoleballet said. Perfect.

I try to communicate with my husband but he has his ears tuned to, "hear what I want to not what you want me to." He without a doubt has the better end of the deal.

He works yes, an office job where he gets to leave when he wants, talks to other grown ups and surfs the net all day. It's not that I don't appreciate his work, but come on.

So I'm cleaning the house, taking care of the baby (who incidentally I adore), washing clothes, etc. and he comes home and messes it all up again. Sometimes I want to cram a banana in his tailpipe, if you know what I'M saying.

Mon, 2009-06-01 22:07

Okay In the beginning i def had a better Deal when we adopted our daughter she was a newborn I was a SAHM and he would work all day and then come home eat and then sleep till 10 pm after that I went to bed and he was on Night duty this was his idea. He wanted me rested so i could deal with a new baby all day and he also wanted time to bond with his daughter needless to say my daughter is a Daddys girl. Down side is he is the fun parent Upside is i get breaks alot cause she wants Daddy. Now that Im working My husband has a better deal I guess but he also works more OT than me at work.

Now we both work he helps with house duties but i do most of the cooking bathing and homework and such with our 5yr old daughter.When she is sick and he wants to help alot but i don't tend to want it because My daughter actually wants Mommy.

Mon, 2009-06-01 13:27

how do we divide the labor in our home? With the words: "I did it last time."

We both work because his job pays more, but my job has insurance, Sooo, no one gets to stay home with the baby although we both would love to. So we just use our heads and try to see, have I been at work all day, and he's had the baby? then it's my turn. And Vice versa.

On the occasions when e cannot remember whos turn it is to change a diaper to give a bottle, we use the fool-proof rock, paper, scissors approach. best 3 out of 5, and not whining when you lose.

works like a charm.

Mon, 2009-06-01 11:52

My first inclination was to insist that my husband DEFINITELY had the better end of the deal. Since I breastfed my son when he was born and I took 12 weeks off work, I was the one on night duty for feedings for the first three months. That was somewhat of a bad habit to start, because, though I have been back to work for over a year, anytime our son needs one of us in the night, I'm the one that goes.

Then Maggie was saying something about some mothers not letting the father help, and I realized that, as far as nights go, that's totally me. My husband has gotten up with the baby when I've been sick, or after I had surgery when our son was 6 months old, and the entire time, I would lay in bed just KNOWING that he was doing it wrong. Because there's a right way and a wrong way to change a diaper, right? But I'd lay there worrying: "Is he changing the diaper first? Because if he doesn't change the diaper first, the baby will NEVER go back to sleep. You CANNOT feed him first. Please, dear GOD let him be changing the diaper first. Maybe I should get up and check." Also in his defense is that he's up early with the baby on weekends so Mommy can sleep in. And I love him for that.

So as far as parenting goes, he has it easy because I'm too neurotic to just let him do it his way. I think I've made the care of the child my domain, justifying it by saying that he's the breadwinner and I don't have the stress of keeping all of us fed, clothed and sheltered.

Having said that, I do work, too, mainly to provide insurance for my family, and, between the baby and work, the cleanliness of my house suffers. I totally identify with Dana when she says that if I'm in charge of the baby AND the housework, then you need to make enough money for me to not have to work. I'll even amend that and say that I need to be able to quit or hire a maid. Either way would be fine by me.

Mon, 2009-06-01 11:39

After our first child was born, I was pleasantly surprised to watch as my husband took on many of the household and childcare duties. I was breastfeeding, but in an effort to "share" in the experience, my husband would change our son's diaper prior to each feeding (even in the middle of the night) and then bring our son to me. We took turns bathing our son. We split the housework.

Now that our second child is here, I feel like the household chores and childcare are much more on my shoulders than my husband's. (Even though I'm still working full-time, outside the home.) My husband is generally willing to take on chores if I specifically assign them, but he doesn't initiate simple things (diaper changes, unloading the dishwasher, etc) like he used to.

I completely agree with Alice that it seems that, in our society, dads are wildly praised for doing the simplest things, and Moms never seem to be. I even find myself making a specific point of thanking my husband if he spends even an hour alone with our kids, so I can go do something else. I, of course, don't get the same thanks for the work I do every day.

Don't get me wrong, my husband is a great dad. But, this panel discussion brings up some excellent points. It makes me feel better to know that other moms feel the same way I do.

Mon, 2009-06-01 10:52

I'm not even sure I HAVE a deal? Where can I get a deal?

My boyfriend did a lot of cooking which was awesome—he's a professional chef—but we can't in good conscience ask for that since we've broken up. My kids have no idea what horrors await them at mealtime.

Mon, 2009-06-01 08:03

I think in most traditional setups, the dad gets the better deal. Mom carries, delivers and nurses/cares for the baby from the get, so it's hard for dad to get in there anywhere. I think in my particular case - we have a 6.5 year old and almost 2 year old...and he definitely gets the better deal. I think its something we've both grown to accept though. I work from home, I work a full 40+ hour week, here from home for an outside company. So we save on daycare, that's the deal we made when we had kids. I'd figure out how to balance the working and kid care in order to save that for us. He does the lawn mowing, pool vaccuming and car stuff. I do the dishes, laundry, all kid stuff, bills, etc. It's not an even setup, I don't think it really can be. I feel a little bit like someone said where sometimes I don't want him to do particular things because he won't do it the way I want, and I accept that as a flaw within myself, not him. Of course I wish he changed more diapers, got up early so I could sleep/shave, fed the girls ever. But sometimes, its just how things fall. And in the end, we both (or all three) get to sit on the couch and watch the toddler walk around with a happy meal box on her head and laugh. And those are the parts that really matter.

Mon, 2009-06-01 06:13