Why Do You Care How I Parent My Kid?

I live in Kenya and gave birth here. While in the hospital I was told not to drink soda because it would burst my sutures. I've been told to cover my baby, because she is cold in 80 degree heat. I've been tempted to start saying that Americans don't get cold.
www.redearthsafari.blogspot.com

Tue, 2010-01-26 08:21

I had a woman behind me in line at a Walgreens take my infant daughter's favorite teething toy out of her hands/mouth while saying "it will make her choke". WTF????????? I grabbed it back from Crazy Lady, said "It's FINE" and gave it back to my daughter (though come to think of it I probably should have boiled it first).

Another one, while in a department store Italy a mother/daughter tag-team approached my husband and me to inform us that our daughter could wear shoes, OR socks, but for God's sake not shoes AND socks at the same time!!!

Sigh.

Fri, 2010-01-22 05:42

I will say that I have opinions on just about everything and I admit that I judge other mothers/parents....HOWEVER...I don't and won't tell you that unless asked specifically for my opinion/advice on the topic. I believe that your parenting, good or bad is your business, and I fully understand that good and bad are relative terms and mean something different to everyone.

Do I hate it when someone tells me how to be a parent? Yes I hate it and they should shut their face. I smile and uh huh them until they shut up and then switch topics. I have never felt the need to validate what they've said by an "excuse" or an explaination because frankly, it's not their business just like it's not my business. Parenting is hard work and a different experience for everyone because every child is different. I have had several friends and family members ask me for help/advise and I always start with, "What worked for Shelby was..." there is no one way to do something that works for every kid. I agree with Daphne, a lot of times it's how you say it.

Fri, 2009-04-24 13:51

I have a hard time with strangers who offer me random parenting advice, because 99% of the time none of them have had a clue what they are talking about.

Why do I say that? My son looks like a typical child, but he has special needs. So the fact that he may not be:

-able to count by fives
-didn't come the first time I called him
-gets overstimulated by grocery stores
-walking when he's almost 2
-has trouble standing in line
-can't ice skate

are for a REASON. When people insinuate that he's unintelligent, lazy, undisciplined, has ADHD (or any other random disability) etc from seeing him for all of 3 minutes, I get really irritated. I used to have a few smart come backs handy, but now that he's 13, he has his own. For instance, to the woman who made him count nickels (when he was 10 ) and then commented that he was unintelligent because he couldn't,

"I have a learning disability in math which makes it really hard to count by fives and so I'm doing the best I can. You wouldn't ask an adult to do this, would you?"

People need to realize that sometimes the kids who are acting out may look typical, but are not and the parent is doing the best they can under the circumstances.

Sun, 2009-01-11 10:04

Yes, this is tricky. Because sometimes we ASK for help and advice, but we reject it if it's not what we want to hear. If we don't already trust and respect the person, we're more likely to think of a reason to disagree, no matter WHAT they suggest.

So even if someone asks for help, I have found it wise to enter in very reluctantly and with very few words.

If I see a mom at the market who is at her wit's end with her child whose terrorizing her, I will cheerfully say, "OK, How can I help?" I've had moms start bawling because they're so grateful that I offered real assistance rather than advice or judgment.

If I sense the mom really doesn't want help, just a break, I'll comment on the little girl's shoes (they love that) or the little boy's toy (they usually have one). Sometimes just the change of a new person in the picture alone is enough to break the tension between the mother and child. Whatever works, right?

One mom asked me to go get a glass of water. One asked me to go to the back of the store and grab a dozen eggs. And I do it cheerfully. Because I remember having two under two in a grocery cart.

So it may be more about intention. Is it one of genuine empathy or one of judgment? That really speaks volumes, doesn't it?

Sincerely yours in parenting success,
Debra Sale Wendler
Respect Effect Mom
http://www.adhdparentingsuccess.com

Wed, 2008-12-10 13:25

My son is 6 months and so far, I've been spared any unsolicited advice. I got a TON while I was pregnant though, so annoying. Like, "If you keep rubbing your belly the baby will turn over and be breech". Uh-huh. I hope I don't ever have to deal with it as a mother. I can't believe the nerve of some people to say such things. I mean, who do they think they are?

Tue, 2008-12-09 13:51

I completely agree, it's ridiculous how much it just comes along when you don't expect it. Rather than just ignore the comments though I try to make sure the person gets the hint that their advice is unnecessary. One time someone told my I should not let my son have a sip, one single sip, of my soda (which he ended up hating anyway) because it's not good to start him on soda with all the sugar and caffine. I simply explained that it's the only thing I had at the time and he needed something to drink because the line of blow he just did made the back of his throat dry. They left me alone after that.

Tue, 2008-12-09 09:16

I think there's a double edged sword here. Because I totally understand how annoying unsolicited advice can be and when somebody comes up to you off the street and begins informing you how to live your life, it's very hard not to shove their head up their ass. But -- I promise I didn't sing it! ^_^ -- when you blog, the assumption is that you want commentary about whatever you posted that day. That's why blogs have comment sections. And when you blog about your children, it's sort of a subliminal solicitation for that commentary, in all the many forms it takes on.

I'm not telling you not to blog about your children, because that's what you all do so well and I love reading it. Just remember, most of the people who offer unsolicited advice really are well-meaning. I think a lot of intention gets lost in the delivery.

Mon, 2008-12-08 20:48

I admit it! I was a sanctimonious unsolicited-advice-giving 17 year old babysitter! And I'm darn proud.

On my seventeenth summer I babysat for a woman who had three kids, ages 2, 4, and 6. Whenever I babysat them at night, she’d remind me to give them their “Night Nights” to knock them out (her words)... "Night Nights", of course, being large dropperfulls of children’s Benedryl. (!!!!!!) Before they brushed their teeth, these kiddos would stand there like baby birds, mouths open, waiting to be drugged to sleep. Every single night.

At the time I held my tongue and silently chose not to give them the medicine. I checked the dosage after she left, and she was overdosing all three of them. When I told the kids that we were skipping Night Nights (no explination, just that I wasn't going to do it), they fretted and moped and couldn’t sleep.

After a few times like this, I told the mother that I refused to drug her children and that I thought that what she was doing was wrong and unsafe. She fired me.

At 24, I’m fairly impressed that my painfully insecure 17 year old self was able to suck it up and do that. I only wish I'd done something more.

Mon, 2008-12-08 15:22

OMG, I would send this Vlog to all the village idiots in the world!!!

Mon, 2008-12-08 07:01