Why Isn't Just Being a Mom Enough?

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June 25, 2009

We recently posted an episode on work-life balance which got a lot of comments from stay at home moms. They see a lot of attention focused on women who need to work outside the home while raising their kids. But, society sometimes raises an eybrow to the woman who stays at home to raise their children. To these women, being a mom is the most noble of professions even though they don't get a paycheck to do it. One of those women is our Mom Memory Contest Winner, Cynthia Davis who asks the question, Why Isn't Just Being a Mom Enough?
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Panelists

Asha Dornfest - Parent Hacks Karen Walrond -Chookooloonks Mindy Roberts - The Mommy Blog

Keywords

Contest Parenting Work and Money

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19 Comments

Somhrklp

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Wed, 2010-03-03 18:46

sgigs

I think this [feeling of inferiority] is a lot of our own insecurities being projected on to other people.

Fri, 2009-07-10 14:12

lonek8

I wrote about this very subject on my blog as well. I am proud to be a stay at home mom, and no one should ever think that we don't work as hard as other mothers. You can read my full opinion here:

http://practicalpablum.blogspot.com/2009/06/sahm-i-am.html

Thu, 2009-07-09 10:37

kristanhoffman

I think Karen's dead-on: in American society, at least, one's profession becomes a HUGE defining factor in one's identity. To other people, and often to one's self.

It's not just moms who face this "just a" problem. I constantly find myself saying to people, "Oh, I'm just a receptionist." And I remember one guy shaking his head and saying, "No, you're not just a receptionist. You are a receptionist." As in, Why are you ashamed of what you do? And I'm not, but I suppose I felt like other people would not consider it enough.

So again, like Karen said, it may be that "just a" moms have a tendency to be overly humble, and that's part of what contributes to the larger mentality that moms are "just." Next time someone asks what you do/are, try saying, "I'm a mom, and it's the f#cking hardest thing I've ever done." :P

Mon, 2009-06-29 06:55

KTab

I'll admit to having said "just a mom" and not really thinking twice about it. Never in a derogatory way, mind you, but more like "I really want to be just a mom."

But, watching this episode, it occurred to me that what I do in my professional life is my "Just A." I'm Just A Billing Clerk in a law firm. If I get hit by a bus tomorrow, sure there would be the token sadness from my co-workers, laments from people who really don't like me now, but once I've died a tragic death, "wow, she was an amazing person." But then they'd hire someone to replace me, remember my many downfalls and move on about their lives.

I get hit by a bus tomorrow, and no one will ever replace me to my son. I have a wonderful family who would, of course, step up and help out my grieving husband (who would remarry for the sake of our son, but always remember me as his only true love). But when he falls down on the playground, my son won't look for the new hire mommy. He'll still cry for me. No one will ever kiss it better the way I do. And not that I'm the end all be all of mommy existence, but I'm HIS mommy.

How can that ever be termed a "Just A" in life? Being a parent is the only irreplaceable job in the entire world. There's nothing casual or unimportant in that at all.

Sat, 2009-06-27 21:23

NadiaC

I really loved mosey along's comment. So many excellent points are made here on the comments as well as on the episode.

We as a society love to judge each other and women period. Its a sad thing. I just wrote a post on my blog about this as it really got me thinking.

I have never commented before but have been watching for some time. You ladies at momversations talk about the most thought provoking topics! Love it!

Sat, 2009-06-27 20:40

francabollo

Just a brief comment. When I meet someone for the first time I really try to avoid asking them what they do because I think we DO define people by their occupation. You think that's the first thing I wanted people to know about me when I was designing packaging for incontinence products?

Sat, 2009-06-27 11:04

MommyMo

In the first few months of my stint as a stay-at-home mom, I definitely developed a knee-jerk reaction toward those who did not understand or care about what I was doing. I became very belligerent toward my friends without children. A defense mechanism that isolated me further from the only people from whom I might have expected reasonable adult conversation? Yeah. But as I was desperately trying to dig my “real” self (or whatever) out of the pile of baby paraphernalia, the last thing I could tolerate was that glaze of disinterest or, the devaluing “just a mom” attitude. I agree that you need to "own it," but maintaining that mantra can be a workout, once you even manage get to that headspace. For me, that includes being more magnanimous toward others.

Even if they are jackasses who have no idea what they are talking about and wouldn't know real value if it threw a poopy diaper in their faces.

Oops. Beligerent Girl again...

Sat, 2009-06-27 10:36

mosey along

Many comments, both the panelists and the "commenters" definitely strike a chord with me.

But aside from our own perceptions of ourselves as "just" whatevers and also how we are perceived by others, our culture and values in the U.S. surrounding raising children definitely don't reflect other cultures where children and their upbringing is revered, which Molly touched upon. This may seem like a bit of a segue....

I remember someone saying (on a forum here, maybe) that pregnant women are admired and treated well by many, but once that same woman is seen with a baby or a couple of kids in tow, somehow they become more invisible. Or worse, less tolerated. The family isn't placed front and center in our society (and I know I'm generalizing wildly). In other cultures, Spain or Italy or other Mediterranean countries come to mind, the children are at the forefront. They are raised by "the village" - everyone in the community has a stake in caring for them.

Barbara Kingsolver wrote an essay years ago about being treated with disdain on an airplane because she was travelling with her (exhausted) young daughter. But she immediately noticed how all children were coddled and loved and picked up when they are hurt by EVERYONE when she was living in Spain. And her amazement at how people who choose not to become parents resent contributing to things like parcel taxes or municipal bonds to support the local school system. Her point being that why wouldn't you want to support the children who might be your doctor or caregiver in your old age, whether you have children or not?

It's all tied together somehow. A lack of respect or knowledge or what have you for what others choose as their life - whether it's SAHM, WAHM, workplace Mom, etc. ties in with how parenting and children are perceived in our culture.

Fri, 2009-06-26 18:23

WendyB

Wow.

After reading these comments I have decided that the next time I am asked "What do you do?" I am going to respond "I am active in politics". Afterall, isn't parenting full of the decision-making processes, the settling of conflicts and the enforcing of goals and interests for the good of all which we also define as politics?

I love this topic, because it is often challenging in my own life. I think it is challenging to me because I sometimes collapse unpaid untrained work as not being of value. Of course I know that my work as a mom is valuable, but I (and I believe most of soceity) often forget. Thank you all for reminding me.

Thu, 2010-01-14 08:04

Rikki

Why isn't being a mom enough? Because we can't afford it. Four kids, both of us have been married before - I would love to go back to being 'just a mom,' but we simply need my paycheck.

Back when I was able to dedicate myself to the one job of being a parent, I can honestly say I never had anyone make me feel like less of a person. I know that when I meet someone who does not work outside the home or is able to work from home, my first thought is one of jealousy. If I could find a way to teach high school from my living room, I would, but that's just not feasible (plus, the bathroom is always messy and I would be terribly embarrassed!). But, my situation is what it is - I don't think I'm less of a parent, nor do I think that anyone who is fortunate enough to be at home is less of a person.

I agree with what others have said: whatever choice you make, own it. Stop apologizing, stop letting other people make you feel badly about yourself.

Fri, 2009-06-26 16:01

GeekChick

As with most mothers I know, there have been times when I have worked outside the home, NOT worked (for pay), and worked from home since becoming a mother 10+ years ago. I think that there are a couple of things that weren't addressed here.

American society/culture largely categorizes people by the kind of (paid) work they do...people use that information when meeting someone to triangulate that person's education, interests, and background. Rightly or wrongly, that's just what happens, and it really has nothing to do with motherhood...it's simply part of our culture. (Other cultures do the same sort of triangulation by asking what religion you are, or where you grew up, or whether you are Hutu or Tutsi...and so on.)

I don't think using the word "just" diminishes the work a woman does as a mother--it's simply a response to the question she knows the person is really asking: "What kind of work do you do? Because that's a place we can start a conversation so I can figure out what things we have in common to talk about." Answering "I'm a mom" doesn't really address the question, and (by the way) working mothers are entitled to the same unembellished answer. (By the same token, if someone asks me, "Are you a mom?" my answer is yes...and they're not any closer to knowing anything else about me.) If the underlying question is really about where we can start a conversation about common interests, saying "I'm a mom" (even without a "just") can be something of a show-stopper to someone who doesn't have kids, doesn't particularly like kids, or just doesn't feel like discussing the trials of parenthood at that moment.

Professionals who encounter the "What do you do?" question all the time are encouraged to have an elevator speech so they can communicate what they do (for pay) in a sentence or two. I think women who don't work (for pay) can do the same thing to answer that "What do you do?" question, assuming the questioner is more interested in making a connection than in knowing whether you spend all day writing software or cold-calling sales prospects. "I take care of my two kids, and I'm passionate about [running...raising money to find a cure to MS...learning Sanskrit...writing a blog about coin collecting]." And if you don't have any interests outside your kids (as easily happens in those intense days of parenting young children), just remember the underlying question is probably, "What can we talk about?" and decide whether you want to give the questioner an option other than "kids."

Fri, 2009-06-26 19:25

MollyCT

I have to say I'm at the point of throwing my arms up at the uniformity with which women talk about motherhood and their lives solely in reference to individual choices. Here, on mom blogs, on television shows and in newspapers, we consistently refuse to talk about social and political forces. Who is the voice that adds the "Just a" prefix to "mom"? We live in a capitalist society that rewards wage labor and financial investment, yet needs children to be raised somehow. But since their value is a little trickier to determine, we don't invest in schools, we don't help women pay for their own health care and their children's health care, and we have only the most paltry social safety net for mothers who have no jobs of their own or partner to support them. Beyond that, we rarely ever talk about real social change we could make together to say, Hey everybody! What we're doing is valuable! That means, let me back into the work force after I've raised my children! Let me keep my benefits if I work part time! Guarantee me real, substantial, paid maternity leave! Make sure I can stay in college or grad school if I have children! Subsidize the cost of my kids' day care! Make sure that if I find out you're paying me less than a man, when I'm raising your future workers, you're going to get in some serious trouble! These seem like they apply only to "working" mothers (all mothers, of course, work), but they make sure that mothering work has a protected social role, and that together we make sure that powerful entities have to accommodate it.

Cultural geographers call it "social reproduction" -- the ways society invests in raising children. The allocation of our resources reflect our values, and we emphatically do not value mothers. Maybe having some more legal, social and economic power would solve the cocktail party problem of "what do you do?" Simple campaigns encouraging people to be more polite certainly won't.

Fri, 2009-06-26 14:26

mommainthefog

Thanks for your comment--I am totally with you on this. I think there is a real problem with the way our society defines work as paid. Why is it that "child-care-provider" is a job but "mother" isn't. As someone who has spend lots of time looking after other people's children in life, it doesn't make any sense to me that if I am caring for someone else's child, it's "work," but caring for my own child="not work." I agree with you that this problem ties into a patriarchal system where historically "female" work is still undervalued versus historically "male" work. And as you said, stay-at-home mothers DO in fact contribute economically to society--its just a lot harder to quantify this contribution.

Sat, 2009-06-27 21:09

Mama Honey

I have never posted here, watch frequently but haven't ever had much to say...but oh how this topic touches home!!

You know it's so interesting that every person I meet now asks "What do you do?" I guess they always did but I really started to notice it once I stopped my career to be home with the boys. My answers have varied since I became a stay at home mom...I felt the need to justify being home with my kids at first and have since realized it's the best job on earth, there is no where else I'd rather be.

Instead of saying "Nothing, I'm just a mom" (which is what i originally said) I now say "Everything, I'm a mom." You know, it is hard for a lot of people to understand still...but oh well...

Even this weekend I had a great friend ask if I was upset about 'Waisting" my degree by being home with my kids. I answered, absolutely not, there is no waste - I don't need to explain it to them to make them understand, all that matters is the fact that I'm happy just where I am...and that is what is important.

Fri, 2009-06-26 12:08

Tricia

And, in my community, when it comes up that I work full-time and the kids go to daycare and aftercare and I really do need full-coverage childcare options during school breaks and holidays, people look at me like I just said, "I eat poop." Or, more accurately, "I feed my kids poop."

So, meh, own it. I made a choice. They made a choice.

But, the truth is that it almost never comes up. Because in the full year that we have been at my kids' current preschool and school, I have never once been asked what I do. My husband has. But nobody asks the women. Because it's a minefield? Because they assume they know the answer? But the truth is, what I do eight hours a day is a part of me and it feels weird to have that just disappear when I'm around people from our kids' school and our house of worship.

Fri, 2009-06-26 10:00

bwankel

I would so be "just" a mom if I could. Unfortunately I have to work, but I lucked out and get to work from home. But, there was a time right after my son was born that I didn't work, and I know the looks Cynthia is talking about. When I said, "I don't work," people looked at me as if I had said, "I eat my own poop." It was so insulting. Like I couldn't still be an interesting person without a job. (And I think people ask that question because they want to know how long you went to school and how much money you make.) But, I could fill the days with housework, playing at the park, kid activities outside the home, walking with other moms. And I'd be totally satisfied. I like the personality dimension that my job gives me, but I don't think it should define me completely. And the kids are only little once. May as well enjoy it.

Fri, 2009-06-26 09:07

AZ Writer

I think Cynthia said it best in the last statement there: You just have to own what you do. Exactly.

Well, I say "Exactly" like I can actually DO that all the time, but sadly, no. I at least try to, though. I care passionately about my son, differently and more fiercely and in more ways than anyone or anything else in my life. But still, I find myself falling into the "just a mom" trap. Or I'll say "Well, I'm a mom-slash-writer," or "Well, staying at home lets me get my work done best anyway."

Lame.

First, something-slash-anything. Just lame. Second, staying at home doesn't really let me get what I'm calling my "work" done better. Not even close. But third? I don't always care. Not if getting stuff done comes at the expense of realizing he's seven and holy crap, I forgot to enjoy the last year.

That's the worst part of it for me -- not other people's perceptions, but my own. When I feel like being a mom isn't enough somehow, but I still realize I have to fully embrace it, I try to be supermom and superwriter at the same time. And all I end up doing is half-assed jobs on both. It truly is about owning what you do. And being a mom is effing awesome.

Great episode!

Fri, 2009-06-26 08:35

nicoleballet

If you don't have kids, all people want to talk to you about is when you're going to have kids. When you do have kids, people are annoyed that all you seem have to talk about is your kids.

Conclusion: people are stupid, don't let them get to you.

Fri, 2009-06-26 08:03