Wife or Mother: What's Harder?

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January 07, 2009

With marriage, there are arguments, compromises, and the dreaded D-word: divorce. With motherhood comes a slew of responsibilities from potty training to PTA meetings. Both roles are difficult, but Heather Armstrong from Dooce wants to know from the panelists, "Which do you find more challenging: being a wife or being a mother?"

Which role do you find the toughest? Or can you even choose? Do you find yourself neglecting your mate? Or is marriage a walk in the park compared to being a parent? Join the Momversation.

Panelists

Alice Bradley - Finslippy Heather Armstrong - Dooce Rebecca Woolf - Girl's Gone Child

Keywords

Friends and Relationships

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45 Comments

moesey

Oh this topic hits home with me. I was miserably married for fifteen years and, like Dooce's Heather, this Heather would not make her kids go through what I was put through with my parent's divorce. I was ten as well and their divorce changed me forever. I prayed for my own spontaneous divorce or sudden death of one of us for almost all of those fifteen years. So, during those years, marriage was harder, no question. I was such a bitch. Rebecca described the wife I was when she was talking about not ordering her husband around. I shudder to think about myself then. The epiphany came when #1 (my oldest of my six kids who was thirteen at the time) announced to me that she would never get married. I did the motherly, "Of course you will, honey. You're beautiful and smart and..." "No, mommy, I mean I don't want to fight every day of my life. I will never get married." I realized at that moment that I was not doing my kids any favors by staying in this marriage. The difficulty of wifeliness and motherhood intersected at that moment.

Three and a half years later. I am in a wonderful marriage to the man who is perfect for me. It comes easy now. I'm waiting for the newlywed thing to wear off but we're eighteen months in and I literally still leap when he comes in the door. Now, motherhood is definitely harder. We have six kids, kindergarten through high school. They are in every developmental stage and we have every personality here. This morning the thought occurred to me that very rarely a day goes by without crying (not just toddler crying either, teenage crying is a different thing all together). I've put my kids through so much to get here and now I'm helping them deal with that. But here it is. Motherhood remains instinctual to me. It remains easy in that way. They have needs, we do what they need. Period. Instincts drive us to do what is hard and be rewarded with the results when they are good.

Just my random thoughts.
Heather

http://www.moesey.com

Wed, 2009-01-07 06:29

Momartfully

I replied on my blog in detail, but my response is that it depends on your marriage, and your child(ren). If you're in an unhealthy marriage OR have a child who is ill or special needs, it can tip the balance entirely. I've been on both sides.

I'm very happy you got out Heather (moesey) and you're doing well and happy now - living as an example for our children and teaching them about healthy relationships never really ends. I got out too - but I got out early - and I'm thankful every day that I did and for what it's taught my children... and me.

A good divorce is much healthier than a bad marriage. It isn't always the "the dreaded D-word: divorce", sometimes divorce is a positive, healthy choice.

http://momartfully.typepad.com/

Fri, 2009-01-23 19:21

Elizabeth_K

What a great episode! My experiences are similar to Ms. Woolf, in that marriage and parenthood came together and quickly for me, but like Ms. Armstrong, I usually find it easier to be married than to be a parent. My baby (well, especially those critically impossible first three months) would scream and cry and what could you do? I had always pictured it as so easy, and so romantic, motherhood, that the reality was a bit shocking. Rewarding, lovely, idyllic, and ... shocking. I also agree with Ms. Bradley that it is easier to neglect a marriage than a baby, so my husband and I have and will continue to try and work hard to be adults together in addition to being parents. Our baby's very early bedtime helps by allowing us some much-needed adult time every night.

www.happinessontap.com

Wed, 2009-01-07 10:24

BabblingAbby

I'm having a hard time putting it into words, but I know that motherhood has been way easier than marriage for me. I've known my son for six months and pretty much have him figured out. He likes a clean diaper, beautiful women (me), and boobs (mine, or course). On the other hand, I've known my husband for ten years, we've been married for two of them, and I'm can still push the wrong buttons. Sometimes purposely, but whatever. We must be doing something right to put up with each other as long as we have...

Wed, 2009-01-07 11:42

Cynthia

LOL. That's just funny.

http://blackswanpapers.blogspot.com/

Fri, 2009-01-09 12:28

kalisa

I was lucky (I guess) that being a mother to a baby and young child came very natural to me. Trying to live with another adult human being was much more challenging.

But now that my son is 15, I'd say the reverse is true. Being a teenager can be so unspeakably sad and painful and it is heart-wrenching to have to watch your child go through it. You want to protect them from all the hurts, but you can't. I've found that trying to support our son through these tough years has brought my husband & I closer together. When the boy was little, it all kind of fell to me. Now we're tackling it as a team.

Wed, 2009-01-07 12:27

5minutesformom

Kalisa, I agree... living with another adult human being is challenging! LOL

That's interesting about parenting a teenager... I'm not there yet... I wonder if my husband and I will be more of a team then.

Susan

Fri, 2009-01-09 15:51

The Moxie Report

For me being a mom is way harder than being a wife. But then again my husband thinks I'm the anti-wife - so how difficult could my role be? We're not in a traditional marriage so I have never felt pressure to act like Martha Stewart. But holy crap once our daughter came along it turned our life upside down. We were together for fifteen years before we had a kid and the addition to our family was really startling. Thankfully my daughter and I bonded immediately but it didn't make my job as mother any easier. I'm not one of those women who goes ape shit over babies and little kids. So it took my some time to figure out how to fit this little being into my little piece of the world. As one of dear friends one said, "Being a mom is the most difficult thing you'll ever do but is also the most rewarding." Enough said.

Tracy
http://themoxiereport.blogspot.com

Wed, 2009-01-07 12:55

momranoutscreaming

It's obvious that it depends on your situation and frame of mind as to which is more difficult. What Heather said at the end reminded me of an interview clip I saw of Will Smith recently where he said divorce is not an option. That's how my husband and I have approached our whole relationship and our marriage. When divorce is not an option it makes working things out a lot easier. A husband, hopefully, is a lot easier to have a rational conversation with. A husband can understand why you are neglecting certain areas of your life. Children are not born using rational thinking. It's all wants and needs and those demands can make it very taxing. My first baby screamed for the first couple of months and to this day she is definitely the most challenging person in my life. Being a wife is being a partner and taking some responsibility in everything to do with your life. Being a mother is being everything, all of the time, 24-7 to your kids.
to my kids I'm a Superhero
to my husband I'm a person

Kellie

http://www.momranoutscreaming.com

Wed, 2009-01-07 13:13

5minutesformom

Very profound!

I love this:
"to my kids I'm a Superhero
to my husband I'm a person"

And I agree when divorce is not an option, I think it is easier. I think once you start having it in the back of your head, the disagreements feel like they stack up.

Fri, 2009-01-09 15:55

Erika

My Acme Just-Add-Water Instant Family makes the whole package interesting.

It is so relative. I have only known my family for 5 years. I met my husband, who was widowed, 5 years ago, and he has five children. Of those five children, one is not biologically his.

...

So when we met (thank you, internet dating), he was sure that I would run screaming into the night, once I realized what his life is like. Instead, I found myself so enamored of his unusual and generous ways that I could not do anything other than move toward him and the life that he had built. I find him to be the most passionate person I have ever met, and I know that this is not how most people, even those who are very close to him, perceive him. It was almost as if because I was able to see that part of him that he was able to be open with me, and be the person that I don't want to be without, ever.

We married 2 years later, and being married to him is perhaps the easiest thing that I have ever done in my life. Going from being a single, 34 year old woman to having an instant family was NOT EASY. But being his wife is. I know that he did not expect to ever meet someone like me, and I certainly had never had designs on meeting a single father of 5 with a live-in mother whom I would want to spend the rest of my life with. But there you go.

Being a parent is very hard, especially since the children were mostly teens when I met them. The oldest is now 24, and a total gem of a human being. I love him dearly. The 20 year old girl (not biologically my husband's, although he has raised her since she was 2) is a quagmire. I spent 3 years being ignored by her, and that was extraordinarily unpleasant. The 20 year old boy is a good egg who is trying to figure out his life. The 16 year old girl (is there any scarier age?) has the capacity to leave me shaking with anger, which is my own problem. She is a good kid, but man, is she mean to me. And the 12 year old boy knows how to manipulate me like no one else. I love it, because he does it through being kind to me, giving me affection, and talking to me like a human being.

My husband? He manages to make me feel loved all the time. I think that we are both unusually satisfied with our relationship, unusually satisfied in knowing that we have each other to look forward to for the rest of our days. I look forward to seeing him and touching him at every possible opportunity, and I savor the knowledge of how he makes me feel. There is nothing better. And I know that part of how I feel about him is because of his/our children. I would not have him any other way, would not give up one of them, no matter what. They have helped shape him into the person that I adore, and I don't think that they understand how much I love them, too.

Wed, 2009-01-07 13:18

prettybabies

Heather, if you put that screaming date to your breast, he'd probably stop screaming, too. :)

For me, being a mother comes naturally (it's not hard work, but it's constant, as my friend says). Being a wife is fairly natural at this point too. We've been together since 1997, married since 2001, and we've known each other for 21 years! I was already pretty good at marriage by the time our oldest came along in 2005. We now have two kids - a 3.5 year old and a nearly 2 year old.

The thing that's hard, for me, is being good at both at the same time. I don't ever have enough time, attention, and affection for everyone. Generally, by the time we get the kids to bed, I don't want to be touched again for another 12 hours (hah, I wish that were possible - the kids sneak into my bed at night). It's hard to be a "good wife" when you want nothing more than to backhand the next person who touches you.

My shrink had me make a list of measurable, attainable attributes of a "good wife" and a "good mother" when I went through a severe bout of PPD, and it turned out that when I made realistic statements (like "a good mother gets her kids the best medical care she can" versus "a good mom has healthy kids" - because after all, mothers of kids with diseases are often amazing mothers, and "a good mom obtains the best education possible for her kids" versus "a good mom has smart kids"), I was already doing almost all of the things I thought I was failing at. I just needed to write them down, make them measurable and attainable, and go with my instincts.

It's a useful exercise, even if you don't have PPD. After all, society's definition of "good wife" and "good mother" don't matter - it's your own definitions, and the definitions that your husband believe in, that matter.

Amy @ http://prettybabies.blogspot.com

Wed, 2009-01-07 13:22

hardtoplease

Thankfully, my husband is a much more rational creature than my 13 month old son, so thereore being a mother is far more challenging than being a wife. I know this sounds terribly cliche, but my husband and I are best friends. There is no one I would rather hang out with than him.

The vast majority of the things my husband and I disagree upon are child-rearing related (do we go to the baby or let him cry it out, etc.). I'd say the biggest challenge for us has been finding a way to meld our child-rearing styles without anybody losing an eye. And believe me, there have been days where I wanted to play the "I grew this kid in my body for 9 months and fed him from my cracked toe-curlingly-painful nipples" card and end all discussion.

When it comes down to it, my son's abilities and needs are continually changing. My husband needs the same things all the time (read: a DVR full of poker and a beer or a glass of scotch).

Wed, 2009-01-07 18:21

kimchi mama

Gosh, I think they're equally hard... just in different ways. You guys are so funny though! hehe

My child was super super easy, a gift from God to ease me into motherhood I guess (although I still had PPD). Let's hope the second one is just as easy. No colicky baby please!?!

Marriage is hard for me because I tend to focus on the bad characteristics and what I need instead of the good characteristics and his needs... I'm trying to be a better wife though.. and a better mom.

Wed, 2009-01-07 18:26

I Run in Heels

I'm 29, have never married, and don't have children, but I hope that marriage and motherhood will be part of my future. I'm probably not the typical Momversation viewer, but it's so encouraging to hear each of the panelists just tell it like it is. There's no sugar-coating, no pretense of Donna Reed-esque perfection...it's just women being transparent about the effort and the rewards that are part of these tremendous roles of wife and mother. Kudos to you all!

Wed, 2009-01-07 21:05

alikrol

I became a mom 6 months ago and a wife 2 1/2 years ago. I can't pick one job that is harder than the other. I actually find it pretty easy to be a good mom and wife. It's when you try to be the perfect mom and wife is when it gets hard. I find it very hard to do everything in a day that I would want to do in my attempt to be the perfect mom and wife. I find that my son and husband want me to spend time with them and not be so stressed out about the little things. My son is not going to appreciate that I folded his laundry the second it came out of the dryer, but he will appreciate that I put down the basket and played with him on his blanket before bed. My husband appreciates me sitting with him when our son's asleep, joking around, watching tv or playing a game. I used to be the type of person that needed to obsessively clean my house and never relax until everything that needs to be done is done. I used to vacuum the house everyday, scrub the floor every night, never let a dish sit in the sink for too long, and had a set routine for when I cleaned the bathrooms. Now I let that laundry pile up for a few days before I put it away, and I relax when I get a chance. I never let my house get too dirty, but I have reduced the amount of cleaning I do a day. I leave some things for the weekends and let my family have my time during the week. There always will be something that needs to be done, but as long as my family is happy and healthy that's all that matters.

Thu, 2009-01-08 07:19

Naylahknee

It is HARD work being a mommy AND wifey especially when you have not had GOOD solid examples of either. My daughter is just like me but I find that it is easier to deal with - I can just send her to her room. My husband on the other hand.......has to sleep in the room with me.

Ok - I am still a newlywed - but it seems like we have been married at least 50 years and we are at that point where it really doesnt matter what I do as long as I give him sex when he wants it and right now there isnt much in it right now. We are working on it. My husband hasnt quite got it yet that I dont have to have sex everyday all day........it has never been something that I had to do to survive so to speak but it was moreso something that I thought guys wanted and that equated to love. Now that I am married........lord have mercy. I would rather spend the day with my hubby watching movies and playing with him......he doesnt realize it but that turns me on.

My husband doesnt really care about cleanliness but our house is always clean anyway, he loves to play videogames and that is where all of our jugular throat slashing starts.........I hate video games. and this is something that we have to deal with right now. I suffer from Romance Novel emulation syndrome -completely self diagnosed - I read tons of romance novels thoughtout my childhood so I had a warped sense of what love was. I really hoped upon hope that I would find that guy who always satisfied me sexually, was honorable, a good father deep down and his issues became character champions........then I got married and I ended up being a mom all over again minus the labor.

I was a single parent for the majority of my daughters life. I have never found this easy and it is not getting any easier. I do find that I can control her easier than my husband........so I guess motherhood to me is actually simpler......oh who the heck am I kidding.......if motherhood and marriage were easy I wouldnt even blog.

Thu, 2009-01-08 08:52

the milliner

Interesting topic!

For me, I'd definitely say being a significant other (not technically married in our case) is easier than being a Mom. I think it boils down to the fact that I've had a lot of practice being in an adult relationship, and only 6 months practice being a Mom.

Also, I think it's a question of responsibility. With my little guy, I can't help but feel responsible for him and that it's my job to ensure he grows up to be a confident, productive, healthy (in all forms - mental, physical, emotional etc.), respectful person. That's a tall order for anyone. I know I'll just need to provide the tools and support, safety and love, but still, it's a difficult job - there often are no right or wrong answers (for the most part). It's live and learn. I imagine that this POV will change over time as DS becomes more independent and able to be responsible for himself.

Whereas, with DH, I do not feel responsible for him...only for myself and my contribution to our relationship. Doesn't mean to say I don't try to provide and give what I can to him. But in the end, it's his responsibility to be a confident, productive, healthy and respectful person. And to tell me if I'm doing something to get in the way of him achieving that.

Also, I've acquired much more experience in handling a marriage-type relationship and all the stuff that goes with it, so I'm more confident in what I know is right for me and how to problem solve etc. Not to say it's not difficult. And not to say there aren't times when I'm stumped, frustrated or angry (often with the same old, same old, sometimes with something new). But for the most part, I know what needs to be done. It's just a question of having the courage and making the time/effort to do it.

Thu, 2009-01-08 10:28

the monster wrangler

There are both hard- there is no stinking doubt about that. But for ME, being a mother is harder.

I am responsible for my children. They learn- basically everything- from me. That's a lot of pressure.

My husband on the other hand, he refuses to learn anything! ;)

Thu, 2009-01-08 11:42

Lorien

I think it depends on the kids and the relationship. Motherhood came (very suprisingly) easy for me. I had super easy pregnancies and kids though....still can't complain. They don't give us much grief at all. Ask me in 10 years when I have 3 daughters all in high school. I bet my answer might change.

Marriage on the otherhand has been a super hard uphill battle. One worth fighting for, though, and we're trying our damndest.

Thu, 2009-01-08 12:11

gojennings

I find marriage to be way tougher than motherhood. So far, I pretty much know what my children need and what makes them happy. Don't get me wrong, I stumble all the time in my mothering efforts, but I think I've done pretty well so far.
Marriage, however, is a constant challenge for me. Not that my current husband isn't a great guy, because he is. But I learned a lot from the failure of my first marriage, and I find that I often second guess myself in what I say and do in this marriage. Many times I force myself to bite my tongue when I don't want to and steam internally when I just want to go medieval on his ass about one thing or the other (usually just stupid household stuff). That being said, he's a patient soul and tries very hard to make me happy, so I'm very lucky.
In the end, and in normal circumstances, your children are nearly guaranteed to love you unconditionally even if you yell at them or make them eat their vegetables. In marriage, there are definitely conditions to love, no matter how strong that love is.

Thu, 2009-01-08 16:47

Sarah@Ohana Mama

I made my own video to reply :)
(how's that screen shot...horrible!) lol

Vimeo.

Thu, 2009-01-08 18:00

Momversation

Thanks for the awesome comment, Sarah! And we love the screen shot. ;)

Thu, 2009-01-08 20:24

conversationswi...

Assuming that you have a happy marriage, I think that parenting is more rewarding but harder. A parent's love is unconditional. There is noting that my sons can do to make me stop loving them. If my kids decide not to return my respect or love, I'll still be there for them no matter what.

When I got married, I committed to myself to make it last forever, but if its not two sided, I would eventually have to walk away. There are things my husband can do that would make me consider my marriage.

If my kids act crazy one day, I still have to stick by them no matter how frustrated I am in order to make sure they are fed, dressed, clean etc.... If my husband gets on my nerves, I can ask for a time out from him and he'll be o.k without me for as long as I need to cool down.

Thu, 2009-01-08 18:06

brandistrand

I think it was easier to be a wife than it was to be a mother. Being a mom is difficult...not in caring for my son, that part is easy. But it's hard to make sure he's being stimulated enough, learning enough, etc. He's only three months...and man, being a wife for the first six and half years was much easier.

However, now that my son is here, I'm finding that it's difficult being a good wife. I sometimes feel like I now neglect my husband. For a long time it was just the two of us and then our dog. Now we have a son and he needs more of my time than my husband. But it's strange...it seems like we have sex more now than we did before I was pregnant!!

Luckily, I have a pretty easy going husband. And we have a very strong relationship. Some say it's because I'm so agreeable. I say it's because we've known each other since we were 13 (started dated at 16) and we grew up together. I'm also lucky that I have a pretty easy going baby. He's not a crier, only on cranky moments.

Okay, so I think I have it pretty easy compared to some. I'm sure when my son begins to crawl and get into things, I'm sure I'll be begging for these "easy" days!

Thu, 2009-01-08 18:19

Mindy

I gotta say: the hours for both jobs suck.

Thu, 2009-01-08 22:07

mrspooley

Heather - I loved your last comment about your marriage being a prison (tongue in cheek of course, right? (: ).
I totally understand the prison comment because before I got married, we made a deal that staying married was so important, that even if we had to live in different rooms/places we would always be married.
I think 'our generation' focuses a lot more on being a good mom (statistically, from your article) because of all the divorce we've been through. Being a kid and going through divorce totally changes you. Our kids experiences of their own families are so much more important to us because of that.
But I don't think our motivation to stay in a marriage no matter what makes us focus only on our kids. It pushes me to be so much more honest with myself about being a wife than I am comfortable with. But I go there because the alternative, the D-word, is a place I never want to be. I've been on one side of it (I was 12; my husband was also 12 when his split) and I never want to see the other.

Being a wife is hard; being a mom is hard. Being both, at the same time? That's why we need prozac.

Thu, 2009-01-08 22:50

nicnicnic

i have needed a solid day to marinate on this momversation... and i still am not sure i can produce a coherent response. :)~ but i'll try... for me, right now, my marriage feels so much harder than my being a mom. my husband and i have been together since highschool, so one would think that we know all there is to know about eachother, but as life changes and circumstances change, etc, people change. we have been married for over 4 years and i feel like i am in a constant state of adjustment. however, when it comes to motherhood, i felt very innately adequate and kinda just did it. i think i have to agree with alice when she mentioned how easy it is to neglect a marriage, but not a child. both my husband and i go in to a hibernation mode when things get tough... and things get tough a lot for us, being that he is in the navy and we move a lot. that being said, our hibernation mode that we go in to totally lends itself well to us neglecting our marriage. when things get tough with our son, we do the exact opposite, and almost go into over-active mode and do all we can to make things better. goodness, if we could just apply one response to the other situation, we might be good... :) but it's hard. for me, it's hard. i feel i can be much more stubborn and hardheaded about things with my marriage than i can with my child. i am willing to give on so much more when it comes to our son than when it comes to my husband. like always, i have a lot to learn...

Fri, 2009-01-09 09:30

BestLight

Not sure how to do Trackbacks, but here is my response. I'm from a subgroup of women who survived infertility and arrived at parenthood.

http://weebleswobblog.blogspot.com/2009/01/which-is-more-difficult.html

Fri, 2009-01-09 12:00

Cynthia

mmmkay.

short, straight-forward answer: being a good mom is easier.

Being a good wife? I guess that depends on the quality of the marriage & the people involved. Since I was married to a type-A loser-creep, it was not only difficult to be a good wife, but totally impossible.

http://blackswanpapers.blogspot.com/

Fri, 2009-01-09 12:26