Wife or Mother: What's Harder?

Jusdbfedfwf

Thu, 2010-03-04 10:39

I feel like as a mother, I have a defined role. I am mama, I wipe their noses, give them medicine when they're sick, wipe their bums, cuddle them often and am always available for hugs.
Being a mom is so much easier because (ideally) you know what you're supposed to do.
As a wife, I think it's much harder because how does one define the term wife?
I am a wife, but being a wife entails more responsibility, at least in my relationship, than being a mother. Kids are easy, and you can sate them or their needs (usually) pretty easily.
My husband expects a lot from me and sometimes I feel it's too much. We argue about the same crap and then come back to it later again and again.
A lot of the issues we have stem from my inability to clean properly... frankly, I don't care. I consider my house clean but he wants it sparkling. He wants the house cleaner, I'd rather take care of my children.
I'm always looking for the next big adventure and he's happy to keep things the way they are. It's harder (for me) to be a wife than a mother...

Nathalie

Wed, 2009-02-18 11:31

As others have said, my husband is pretty easygoing and reasonable, while my kids are not! That makes parenting much harder for me.

Tue, 2009-01-13 13:10

My marriage has never actually been without children. In the beginning, there was his teenage daughter and the kids from the therapeutic group home that he ran in our home. In those years, I let Hubs run the show because it had been his job for so long and he knew what he was doing. I was barely out of my teens myself, and so not ready to be a parent. I was more like big sister.

(by the way, my Hubs and I have a 20 year age difference so that probably was part of it)

When we had our own child together, things changed. It took awhile for Hubs and I to be "on the same page", mostly from our own generational differences. I will still say that marriage has been so easy compared to being a parent. Our son has some special needs that went undiagnosed for years. For YEARS I thought it was somehow my fault, and that I sucked as a Mom. In the midst of that were lay offs, near deaths, serious injury, financial crisis, moves, going back to university, and job changes.I can fully understand now how those types of stresses can tear families apart, but for us it only made us more fiercely solid.

During those years we took on a school district for Jake, and that was the most stressful thing ever. You don't have a diagnosis for your child, everyone thinks they know (whether they are qualified or not), your child is at the end of their rope, and you just want to take them and run. At the worst point, for a split second, I actually considered suicide. It was THAT bad.

Marriage has been easy. Parenthood, especially to a child with special needs in those early years, has been the hardest road I've ever navigated in my life; albeit the most rewarding.

Sun, 2009-01-11 09:47

I'm amazed at how black and white the answers are for most posters/commenters. It seems day-by-day one is easier than the other and it's a crap shoot which one it will be. There are days that I feel a huge failure at both. But, then there are those days - can be few and far between - where everything just clicks and those are the ones that that stand out the most and keep me loving being a wife and mom. The Hub is brooding and introverted - totally hot when in your late teens, completely annoying now that I'm nearing 30. But we are getting much better at it having 14 yrs. behind us and 6 yrs. married. With a 2 and 4-yr-old, one boy, one girl I'm trying to put everything in perspective and enjoy them and my husband now, while we are all fumbling around together. Lots of love and patience - though extremely hard to muster sometimes - is all we have most days.

Sat, 2009-01-10 16:31

Tough but good question.I'd say the first 2 years of each are both very hard, at least they were for me. I, like Heather, really was unprepared for what the reality of mothering might be. Since my daughter was born within a year of marriage the two hard times overlapped. However, I find now that I have an easier time mothering and marriage can be a grinding down experience which is useful but painful.

Sat, 2009-01-10 05:56

Fantastic video Ladies!!!

For me, the difficulty is when both jobs merge. Being a wife was easy when that's all I was. But as soon as I got busy being a mom, I was like... are you kidding me? I'm busy being a good mom! LOL

Susan

Fri, 2009-01-09 17:00

I don't even know where to begin on this topic!

I agree with Heather in that at least my husband doesn't scream or wake me up like my 5 month old. And he doesn't throw tantrums like my 2 year old. But I have much more patience and can pull from some endless energy reserve for my kids because they are children. They need me. They are helpless. It's my responsibility to deal with them and love them even if they aren't acting very likable. And for me that comes naturally.

But my husband is an adult and when he acts in a way that is not likable - he is doing that as a rational and purposeful person. So when we disagree about something, that on top of my exhaustion from raising two kids makes it really really hard to deal with sometimes. Getting married a little older too, we both have a difficult time compromising sometimes. And it is hard to change habits.

My husband and I basically have to talk every few weeks about focusing on us as a unit. We have to nurture this relationship, for ourselves and for our kids' sake. That means kindness and respect plus getting good time alone. You can't just table the relationship while you are in survival mode with little ones (and with my husband's demanding job). I sometimes stop and say to myself and my husband, if we keep on this track we are going to grow apart. Too many nights we find ourselves burnt out, one of us with the remote and the other surfing the web.

I also think it's easier to be married with kids when you have more disposable income. If I didn't have to stress that each time we go on a date it's basically a few hundred dollars with the babysitting costs, we'd do it much more often. If we were able to go sit on a beach a few times a year without kids and reconnect, that would do wonders. However, you also have to learn how to enjoy each other, make time for one another, while you are also living the normal daily grind.

Anyway, great topic and congrats on getting in the NYT Motherlode blog!

Fri, 2009-01-09 14:32

mmmkay.

short, straight-forward answer: being a good mom is easier.

Being a good wife? I guess that depends on the quality of the marriage & the people involved. Since I was married to a type-A loser-creep, it was not only difficult to be a good wife, but totally impossible.

http://blackswanpapers.blogspot.com/

Fri, 2009-01-09 13:26

i have needed a solid day to marinate on this momversation... and i still am not sure i can produce a coherent response. :)~ but i'll try... for me, right now, my marriage feels so much harder than my being a mom. my husband and i have been together since highschool, so one would think that we know all there is to know about eachother, but as life changes and circumstances change, etc, people change. we have been married for over 4 years and i feel like i am in a constant state of adjustment. however, when it comes to motherhood, i felt very innately adequate and kinda just did it. i think i have to agree with alice when she mentioned how easy it is to neglect a marriage, but not a child. both my husband and i go in to a hibernation mode when things get tough... and things get tough a lot for us, being that he is in the navy and we move a lot. that being said, our hibernation mode that we go in to totally lends itself well to us neglecting our marriage. when things get tough with our son, we do the exact opposite, and almost go into over-active mode and do all we can to make things better. goodness, if we could just apply one response to the other situation, we might be good... :) but it's hard. for me, it's hard. i feel i can be much more stubborn and hardheaded about things with my marriage than i can with my child. i am willing to give on so much more when it comes to our son than when it comes to my husband. like always, i have a lot to learn...

Fri, 2009-01-09 10:30

I gotta say: the hours for both jobs suck.

Thu, 2009-01-08 23:07

Assuming that you have a happy marriage, I think that parenting is more rewarding but harder. A parent's love is unconditional. There is noting that my sons can do to make me stop loving them. If my kids decide not to return my respect or love, I'll still be there for them no matter what.

When I got married, I committed to myself to make it last forever, but if its not two sided, I would eventually have to walk away. There are things my husband can do that would make me consider my marriage.

If my kids act crazy one day, I still have to stick by them no matter how frustrated I am in order to make sure they are fed, dressed, clean etc.... If my husband gets on my nerves, I can ask for a time out from him and he'll be o.k without me for as long as I need to cool down.

Thu, 2009-01-08 19:06

I think it depends on the kids and the relationship. Motherhood came (very suprisingly) easy for me. I had super easy pregnancies and kids though....still can't complain. They don't give us much grief at all. Ask me in 10 years when I have 3 daughters all in high school. I bet my answer might change.

Marriage on the otherhand has been a super hard uphill battle. One worth fighting for, though, and we're trying our damndest.

Thu, 2009-01-08 13:11

Interesting topic!

For me, I'd definitely say being a significant other (not technically married in our case) is easier than being a Mom. I think it boils down to the fact that I've had a lot of practice being in an adult relationship, and only 6 months practice being a Mom.

Also, I think it's a question of responsibility. With my little guy, I can't help but feel responsible for him and that it's my job to ensure he grows up to be a confident, productive, healthy (in all forms - mental, physical, emotional etc.), respectful person. That's a tall order for anyone. I know I'll just need to provide the tools and support, safety and love, but still, it's a difficult job - there often are no right or wrong answers (for the most part). It's live and learn. I imagine that this POV will change over time as DS becomes more independent and able to be responsible for himself.

Whereas, with DH, I do not feel responsible for him...only for myself and my contribution to our relationship. Doesn't mean to say I don't try to provide and give what I can to him. But in the end, it's his responsibility to be a confident, productive, healthy and respectful person. And to tell me if I'm doing something to get in the way of him achieving that.

Also, I've acquired much more experience in handling a marriage-type relationship and all the stuff that goes with it, so I'm more confident in what I know is right for me and how to problem solve etc. Not to say it's not difficult. And not to say there aren't times when I'm stumped, frustrated or angry (often with the same old, same old, sometimes with something new). But for the most part, I know what needs to be done. It's just a question of having the courage and making the time/effort to do it.

Thu, 2009-01-08 11:28