weird

I feel like as a mother, I have a defined role. I am mama, I wipe their noses, give them medicine when they're sick, wipe their bums, cuddle them often and am always available for hugs. Being a mom is so much easier because (ideally) you know what you're supposed to do. As a wife, I think it's much harder because how does one define the term wife? I am a wife, but being a wife entails more responsibility, at least in my relationship, than being a mother. Kids are easy, and you can sate them or their needs (usually) pretty easily. My husband expects a lot from me and sometimes I feel it's too much. We argue about the same crap and then come back to it later again and again. A lot of the issues we have stem from my inability to clean properly... frankly, I don't care. I consider my house clean but he wants it sparkling. He wants the house cleaner, I'd rather take care of my children. I'm always looking for the next big adventure and he's happy to keep things the way they are. It's harder (for me) to be a wife than a mother... Nathalie

What is really hard is being GREAT at both, being a good wife and a good mother. Both are valuable relationships that must be nurtured, my husband and my children want my attention and love and they both deserve all the attention and love I can give them.

As others have said, my husband is pretty easygoing and reasonable, while my kids are not! That makes parenting much harder for me.

Ah, being a wife is much harder - to me. My experience has been that having work than being a good parent (ok, maybe I'll change my mind when my five kids are older and they go to therapy to talk about their mom). But, marriage requires a lot of work. My husband is in the military and he is gone so often I find it tough to get used to him being here and being gone. My kids are sort of an extension of me..... Italian style, that's where I was born and raised, so it's visceral Cheers, www.ovolina.com

My marriage has never actually been without children. In the beginning, there was his teenage daughter and the kids from the therapeutic group home that he ran in our home. In those years, I let Hubs run the show because it had been his job for so long and he knew what he was doing. I was barely out of my teens myself, and so not ready to be a parent. I was more like big sister. (by the way, my Hubs and I have a 20 year age difference so that probably was part of it) When we had our own child together, things changed. It took awhile for Hubs and I to be "on the same page", mostly from our own generational differences. I will still say that marriage has been so easy compared to being a parent. Our son has some special needs that went undiagnosed for years. For YEARS I thought it was somehow my fault, and that I sucked as a Mom. In the midst of that were lay offs, near deaths, serious injury, financial crisis, moves, going back to university, and job changes.I can fully understand now how those types of stresses can tear families apart, but for us it only made us more fiercely solid. During those years we took on a school district for Jake, and that was the most stressful thing ever. You don't have a diagnosis for your child, everyone thinks they know (whether they are qualified or not), your child is at the end of their rope, and you just want to take them and run. At the worst point, for a split second, I actually considered suicide. It was THAT bad. Marriage has been easy. Parenthood, especially to a child with special needs in those early years, has been the hardest road I've ever navigated in my life; albeit the most rewarding.

No question... being a wife is harder. I know that if I invest a whole lot of time and energy to teach my son to potty train, he will eventually get it. Some spills along the way, but I do see progress. My efforts, though very exhausting, are not in vain. My husband has been throwing rolled up dirty socks into the laundry hamper for 7 years...

I'm amazed at how black and white the answers are for most posters/commenters. It seems day-by-day one is easier than the other and it's a crap shoot which one it will be. There are days that I feel a huge failure at both. But, then there are those days - can be few and far between - where everything just clicks and those are the ones that that stand out the most and keep me loving being a wife and mom. The Hub is brooding and introverted - totally hot when in your late teens, completely annoying now that I'm nearing 30. But we are getting much better at it having 14 yrs. behind us and 6 yrs. married. With a 2 and 4-yr-old, one boy, one girl I'm trying to put everything in perspective and enjoy them and my husband now, while we are all fumbling around together. Lots of love and patience - though extremely hard to muster sometimes - is all we have most days.

Hmm... something to think about. As a fairly newly married wife (a year and a half) we are trying to get pregnant with our first child. Marriage hasn't been too terribly different from dating as we dated for a while. But I worry that having a child will change things and be a lot more difficult than getting married was. Perhaps I worry too much... Definitely interesting to hear the perspective of others. Tabitha http://www.fromsingletomarried.com

Tough but good question.I'd say the first 2 years of each are both very hard, at least they were for me. I, like Heather, really was unprepared for what the reality of mothering might be. Since my daughter was born within a year of marriage the two hard times overlapped. However, I find now that I have an easier time mothering and marriage can be a grinding down experience which is useful but painful.