Would You Leave a Cheating Spouse?

Wefwjnegjjw

Thu, 2010-03-04 11:01

The answer when I was 26 was yes. And I did. But we did not have children, and we were married about five years. I was told, at the time, that in New Jersey, it is just assumed that someone will have cheated when there's a divorce going on, so that is not even considered grounds for divorce.

Fast forward to now. I am 38, and my (second) husband and I will be married ten years in November. We have a son who is now five and a half. I have told my husband repeatedly that one thing I will NOT tolerate is infidelity, and he knows what I went through before. But if it were to happen, I don't know how either of us would make it (financially) on our own. We could not stay in the area where we live now, and it would break my heart to see my son lose us as a parental unit. My husband is VERY involved in our son's life. How would I be able to keep that up if I could not stand the sight of him? I also believe that my husband would never want our son to view him as a man who cheated. I hold on to that hope.

I guess I'll just need to remind him tomorrow (as it's 2:30 in the morning here as I type this) how important his fidelity is to me. Just in case.

Tue, 2009-07-21 02:39

Any women who make the comments "it would never happen to me" are naive. Given the right circumstances, you never know what could happen. I used to say that exact thing, which has made it even harder to get over what my husband did. It was years ago and I still can't cope. (And do not ever ask for the details, you will never forget them and the cheater will.) I will never be the same and I am angry about what I lost - especially my peace of mind, trust, self-worth and self-esteem. Remember, this affair involved a man who said he would NEVER do that. It really is a passive-aggressive act. Our marriage sure was not perfect, we had four kids under the age of 7, the youngest just turned one at the time, which obviously was the focus of the family, and tiring and stressful on occasion. I had only recently stopped breast-feeding at that point. But I thought we were partners in raising our family. If he was not feeling loved or was not getting enough attention, it sure would've been nice for him to say something before he did what he did. He started asking me questions about how much I loved him and what I liked about him DURING his affair. You know that was a lose-lose situation for me. I could not answer the questions with the answers he wanted because I did not know what was really going on. She was "fun" and did "silly" things and left "cute" messages for him, etc. So cute that she was doing it right under her own husband's nose, too (she and her husband were our neighbors.) The other shocker is when that the "other woman" is usually so less attractive than you are and this one certainly lacked in the personality department, and that didn't even come into play. So I was supposed to be fun and loving and all those things he was supposedly missing, but it was okay for her to be trampy and say the most terrible things about her own husband. I have now raised my kids and it is time to move on. I should have left back then. I did not know that I was married to a child, I mistakenly thought he was a man.

Thu, 2009-07-02 15:16

Yes. Yes, yes, yes, yes.

I don't care if it's a one night drunken fling or a long term affair. I have a hard enough time trusting people that if there was THAT kind of a betrayal, I'd never be able to get past it.

Tue, 2009-06-09 19:41

Like many of you, it would totally depend on the circumstances of the dalliance. Was it a one-time thing or an ongoing affair? Purely physical with a near-stranger or an emotional attachment with someone we know well? And did he have the common sense and respect for me to at least use a freaking condom?!

Also like several others have shared, I used to state firmly that infidelity on the part of my husband would mean a swift and final end to our marriage. But that was when I was much younger. Of course we didn't have children then so it wouldn't have been as difficult to dissolve the marriage and we didn't have their lives and well-being to consider. But I wonder also if our age doesn't have something to do with the change in our perspective. For myself at least, I know that when I was younger I was not as self-confident and more of my self-worth was wrapped up in my husband so it would have been more devastating to my ego if he had cheated. Now that I'm older, and hopefully wiser, I'm definitely more independent and don't feel like I need my husband or any other man to make me whole. So while it would absolutely hurt and be a terrible betrayal should he cheat on me, I wouldn't feel like it was a reflection on me as a woman or my self-worth. I think I would be better able to keep it in perspective in the "big picture" of our family's lives. Does that make any sense??

That being said, if it was a situation like Leslie described where he was screwing my best friend repeatedly, in my own house while I was sleeping upstairs? He'd be out the door so fast, he wouldn't have time to grab his hat!

Tue, 2009-06-02 08:20

Without having been in that situation, it's hard to predict how I'd react. I heard an interview recently with a relationship therapist who said that when they counsel couples they're not necessarily always working towards a "stay together" scenario, but towards the best solution which in some cases might be going separate ways. I'd hope that there might be issues that if they were addressed would mean working towards staying together, if it happened to me.

And on a completely different note, what is UP with the hipster snappy music in the background of the video? Anyone else driven completely bonkers by that or is it just me?

Thu, 2009-05-28 12:04

I was surprised to see it, but I really respect Adriana's answer.

That said, I told my boyfriend upfront that there are two things I could not forgive: cheating on me, or hitting me. I just don't see myself being able to get over it... But that's me.

(However, I don't buy alcohol as an excuse, because people are still themselves when they're drunk, they just don't exercise as much self-control, sometimes because they know they have the alcohol as an "out".)

(I also don't buy "well, we're animals, we're not meant to be monogamous" because we have already evolved so far past our basic animal instincts in so many arenas that it's ridiculous to say we can't control our various impulses.)

Wed, 2009-05-27 17:48

I think we all need some "drop dead" boundaries, but whether or not it's cheating (or abuse, or something else) is really individual choice.

My concern would be what the children are learning from how we react to challenges like a cheating spouse. If we choose to stay with a cheating spouse - what does that say to our kids about fidelity and betrayal -VS- if we choose to end a relationship that was betrayed, what does that say to our kids about marriage/partnerships being long term and universally forgiving.

I don't think that the cheated on spouse's response should be regarded as the response that will make-or-break the relationship. The cheater's choice to cheat on their spouse has already made that decision, and they should own up to that responsibility.

I don't think "staying together for the kids" works very well - for the kids or for the parents. If your relationship as partners has been irrevocably betrayed and is not fixable it should end - you can still be great co-parents in separate houses - with separate lives.

Personally, I'd leave any new partner that cheated. I won't tolerate betrayal (it's one of my own "drop dead" boundaries), and I know that being a single parent is nothing to fear (after all, I am a single parent).

BTW, I don't think the statistic that "17% of divorces are caused by infidelity" is really a reflection of the reality. In many cases filing for divorce due to infidelity requires "proof" of the infidelity, which as we can all imagine can be difficult or expensive for the cheated-on spouse to obtain (unless there is a pregnancy and paternity test, which requires the cooperation of the cheater, and hiring a private detective can be costly). It's also publicly embarrassing or detrimental (professionally, in religious communities) to file for divorce citing infidelity. As a result, many marriages destroyed by infidelity are processed citing other reasons for divorce (like living separately for a year).

Wed, 2009-05-27 11:04

YES. One time, multiple times, if my husband sleeps with another woman, he's out. It breaks the bond of marriage in a way that it will never fully bounce back from. If you have any self-esteem at all, you should end a relationship in which you are treated poorly. Infidelity is unforgivable. I don't buy into the idea that all men will do it at some point. The weak men will do it. The men who have no real respect for their wives will do it.

I also had to deal with this as a kid (though not in as dramatic a way as Dana). It's the reason my parents are divorced. And they needed to get divorced. Staying together "for the kids" does the kids absolutely no favors. And what kind of lesson does it teach them? Cheating is sometimes forgivable?

Wed, 2009-05-27 08:33

Adriana I only hope that I can be as strong as you if ever presented that situation. I would like to think I could but I know my temper and I know when it comes to my husband my feelings get hurt pretty easily, with anyone else, ehh pfft screw em, but my husband...sigh. Im glad to hear it made your relationship better. We did have to deal with what I felt was inappropriate material and I was crushed with just that. That was earlier on in our marriage but none the less I almost left on that alone but did some growing up and realized these things happen sometimes but to figure out what my boundaries are and what is my pride really worth. But that is awesome that it has made your relationship better. The small [in comparison to yours] ordeal we went through did the same for us, and now I have found I am even more blunt than before...and I didnt even think that was possible :)

Tue, 2009-05-26 14:41

Hello I am new here, and I prefer video blogging since that is what my husband and I now do so I decided to post a quick video blog reply to this on my blog site and figured I would share it here. If I am not allow to do this I apologize in advance and understand if you remove the video reply. :) I look forward to being active in the discussion on this site. My husband and I discuss things like this all the time. I think this is a pretty interesting site :).

ps. I apologize in advance the other mom I was referring to was Dana not Megan, sorry bout that. I'm new and will catch on to all your names soon. :)

Tue, 2009-05-26 13:14

Let me first say "to each their own" and what works for you and your marriage cool. But I think ya'll being WAAAY to nice. Cheat = Ultimate break of trust. I'd hope that if the marriage is broken then both parties would discuss and try to reconcile before stepping out and involving a 3rd person. THATS what marriage is all about, discuss, compromise, come to an agreement. Once you cheat you've crossed a line and there ain't no turning back, for me anyway.

May I add I think it's awesome if some couples can have an open relationship. Again NOT for me. But the point is you and you partner need to discuss these things. What kind of relationship do you have if your spouse is sleeping around, one night stand or long term relationship. It doesn't matter. It's not acceptable.

Tue, 2009-05-26 11:41

I left my first husband because he was unfaithful. When the words, "I slept with someone else" came out of his mouth, a million thoughts ran through my head. In that millisecond, I thought that I would get over it and make it work. Then I asked who he cheated with and what the circumstances were surrounding the incident. He had not cheated one time, but several times, in our home, with my best friend. He even admitted that one time, I was upstairs sleeping while he was downstairs having sex with my "friend." Needless to say, I ended the relationship. Had he gotten a little tipsy and had a drunken one night stand with someone, maybe we could have tried to work things out, but this level of betrayal was too deep for me to get past. I should also say that we didn't have any kids together, so it was much easier for me to walk away from him and never look back.

Should my second husband cheat, I would really like to think that we would fight to hold our relationship together. I'm a much different 31 year old now than I was a 24 year old when the incident with my first husband happened. Again, the circumstances would be a determining factor. There are some betrayals that you just can't pull yourself out of.

Leslie

Tue, 2009-05-26 10:01

First off, I realize that it's been a while since it's happened, but let me just thank you for making Karen one of the regular panelists. I flurve her.

Secondly, like others, it would depend on the situation and circumstances. Separation would be a definite, but ultimately, the actual divorce would not be as set in stone. There would be copious amounts of counseling, of course, but like most of the panelists, while I don't want to know the details, I would take the circumstances into account.

That said, my husband is often annoyed by, and doesn't really like, other people, so I don't really see it ever happening. He has a select group of people he enjoys being around, and really doesn't make time for people he doesn't like. I think that plays a huge part in how I would react.

Tue, 2009-05-26 09:16