I'm a single parent!

woohoo! i'm a single parent and it's totally hard sometimes and totally liberating at other times. my daughter is 14 now and i don't know how she turned out so well because i was only 20 when i had her and a complete basketcase. i've evolved slightly since then!

Giyen
www.baconismyenemy.com

Tue, 2008-11-11 23:36

Hello, my name is Sara and I'm a single mom to a 12 year old boy. Not having my husband here (I've been a widow since my son was 20 months old) I'd love to hear about single moms handling 'boy' things. I was going to have my husband handle all the icky boy stuff! Now I have to be the mom AND the dad! My son is getting into his pre-teen years and I am getting apprehensive.
Honestly, so far the kid's been awesome.

Nice to meet you!

Wed, 2008-11-12 15:17

Hi everyone! As a single mom of 3 amazing children (11, 8, and 2), I would also like to say thanks for offering this space to us. It is a relief to know I am not alone. My oldest is a boy and I honestly have no clue about boys. I have a dad and I married a male but that's about the depth of my understanding of that species. He is getting to the age where my control really no longer exists. I have raised him and guided him along the way but now, the decisions are basically up to him and I am having a hard time with that. I still guide him and provide consequences for his negative actions but he has realized he is his own person and wants to test the boundaries. I just want to walk alongside him daily to help him make his decisions and the fact that he is out there on his own, wanting to experience new adventures scares me! We haven't even hit the teenage years! My other two are girls and I can provide many an entry for each of them too but we'll start with this.

Thanks again!

Wed, 2008-11-12 19:38

Hi

I'm the single parent of 3 girls and I'm flyin' completely solo, no weekends off for me. I imagine that I'm a typical parent,single or partnered, tired, overwhelmed, proud and protective. There are days that between work and home I feel that all I do is make decisions. Yes, we'll use that GC; no, that's not in the budget; no, you can't go unless I speak to a parent; yes, you are going to church today; I don't know what's for dinner tonight but it won't be pizza!
Then there are the questions: Where do babies come from-- oh mom that's gross! How come I don't have a daddy? why did my real mom leave me? And those questions typically come after a day of questions like: Why can't I fire him right now! Why didn't I get the promotion is it because I'm ____________? Why can't I skip my lunch and breaks and just leave and hour and a half early everyday? Can we have a bring your pet to work day?
Ok, so my life is full. My heart is full too. I get all the hugs, kisses and snuggle! I get to sit exhausted on the hard lunchroom chair and swell with pride when I realize "that's my daughter."
My mother says "ya gotta pay the cost ta be da boss." and I write that check everyday. Then my girls make deposits in my emotional bank and I get up and do it all over again.

Wed, 2008-11-12 23:40

My hat is off to all you single moms, I don't see how you do it and stay sane! I'm only a single mom for a year an a half at a time and towards the end I'm never sure I'm going to make it. It seems my girls allows need to be driven in different directions at the same time. Dinner time has turned into more child friendly meals so there is less complaining. Add some pre-teen hormones to the mix. Then like I don't have enough to do with my daily chores and my school work, add on mowing grass, cleaning gutters, winter proofing the house and taking out the trash. My last week has been so hectic I thought Tuesday night was Monday. My sweet little angles had a field day with that one. *lol* My oldest (12yr old) made me a sticker with my name and address so if I get lost they know where to return me to. Smart ass kid, I am so lucky that my girls are who they are.

You women are amazing... SuperMoms!

http://marriedsingleparent.blogspot.com/

Thu, 2008-11-13 05:03

For a long time my mother has been asking me why I don't date and telling me I need to go out and find a father for my son. Like the one he had could be replaced like a dead goldfish. Being a single parent is complicated enough, I don't need to throw dating in on top of that! Sheesh!
Maybe she doesn't think I'm doing a good enough job on my own? I don't know.

Thu, 2008-11-13 10:52

Oh yeah, let me tell you dating can really complicated things. My 3rd daughter was the result of an attempt to have some adult time. I tell my friends that you can change your life in an instant and i've to got the child to prove it! :)

Thu, 2008-11-13 14:14

Your stories are inspiring. I recently made a friend who is the single parent to a 4 year old girl. It made me realize how insulated I've been, in my world filled with two-parent households. Do you often feel you can't disclose your "status", or do you feel like you have to work extra hard to put up an I-can-handle-it front (not that anyone should assume otherwise), because of automatic judgments thrown your way? Aside from the daily burdens of life as a single parent, how do the women in your communities treat you? What can we do better?

Thu, 2008-11-13 16:30

I am a single mom to a 7 year old daughter. I can relate to a lot of what has been said. I am a single -mom-by-choice. I was lucky and adopted my daughter when she was a newborn. I love being a mom, but right now, I'm "the meanest mommy in the whole world" most days. This is said in response to me telling her to get moving, out of bed, eat breakfast, move on, get in the shower, etc. She says very dramatically "You stress me out", which sometimes make me want to laugh and sometimes to cry. A request to rush makes her move slower. I'm just trying to beat the tardy bell and we live a 1/2 block from the elementary school.
I am trying to start dating again. It's been a very long time. But it's hard to think about the logistics. I'm trying to do it without her, or most anyone else, noticing. Awkward is an understatement.
In response to how other women treat me, I have a great coffee group and a book group I'm part of, which really helps me feel part of the community. I think the only place it feels weird is dinner parties. I don't usually get invited because I lack a partner. Also, I think it's the men who are more weirded out by my singleness. One friend's husband just kept asking me, So, you've never been married??

Thanks for letting me share.

Fri, 2008-11-14 07:52

Another young single mom here. I had my first daughter at 19 and 3 years later had my second daughter. Up until a few years ago I couldn't really embrace the single parenting thing, I kept waiting for a man to marry me and help me raise these kids. I was so frustrated on a daily basis with all that I have to do and all the challenges I have to face on my own. I slumped into a pity party depression and said I can't do this on my own and basically gave up trying. That all changed a couple years ago when I finally realized there is no man and that is really ok. I am strong enough to do this on my own. Now that my oldest is about to turn 11, I'm scared but I'm ready. Bring it! :--)

Sat, 2008-11-15 06:34

I am a single mom of a very personable 5-year old. My husband, her dad, passed away March of 2007 from Cancer.

After the dust settled from my husbands sudden 3.5 struggle with his illness (diagnosis to pasing) and the aftermath of preparing a funeral I was left with a confused me and 3 year old. We are still wroking through our emotions; but I am also working out dealing how to depend on myself more than I ever did before. My job is one of high stress where everyone has a 2-parent household; 8AM or 5PM meetings aren't a problem, because there is always someone else to do the pick-up/drop-off at daycare.

While I think my daughter is the most wekk-adjusted kid out there, I worry that I may sometimes fall short in giving her something that she misses and wishes she had.

Mon, 2008-11-17 20:00

Thank you momversation for creating this thread. I found it a little disconcerting to watch the panelists, whose experience is generally grounded in the issues of a nuclear family. There's a lot I relate to but as a single mom, there's a lot missing too.

Single Mommin It Since 2008,

http://blackswanpapers.blogspot.com/

Fri, 2009-01-09 13:19

I agree with Cynthia, I also find the issues covered here often have a nuclear family bias or approach.

Single parents have similar issues as nuclear families, but they're often more extreme or without the options others may have.

Yes, I feel like single parents are part of a separate population. I was THRILLED when Giyen became a panelist here, she's a wonderful single mom. Single parents overlap on many issues, but there's so many more things that we have to consider that nuclear families don't need to consider.

Growingupartists: I find I spend a lot more time socializing with other single moms - we're much more aware of the need to incorporate childcare in our social activities, we have similar issues (divorce law, strategies for dealing with ex's, questions our children have, dating again, budgets, work/life balance, finding time for ourselves, etc.) and we have similar backgrounds and attitudes. We also talk a great deal about the judgments others make about single parents. We're all honest about our single parent status with others - regardless of reason and in spite of community response - because we all feel that single parents need to be more "normalized".

My personal issues are similar to other single parent - with the additional issues of raising a special needs child and also dealing with a toxic ex.

http://momartfully.typepad.com/

Mon, 2009-01-12 12:35

I really hope you speak up here and start threads on these issues, in the name of normalizing single parenting. And normalizing special needs children, and also normalizing an experience I've seen mentioned twice now around here, parents who've lost children.

It's a shame if any of these issues have divided women from each other before, especially when you weirdos could use extra doses of compassion, support, and maybe even tangible aid. Kidding about the weirdo part, obviously.

And maybe eventually, when we find that common thread that links us all together, we can work together to facilitate some needed change.

Go, Obama!

Mon, 2009-01-12 14:47

Well, I must say I feel lucky to have had a girl. I've been a real single mum, no time off, the dad simply hasn't been around or paid any maintenance.
Which is cool ultimately. I'd rather have the only benefit of being a single parent, which is that I am in charge.
Very very hard to date though with a kid.
An honest account of bringing up a teenager in London...http://travelswithmyteenager.blogspot.com/

Mon, 2009-01-12 17:34

Having grown up as a child of a single mom, with no Daddy involvement to speak of, it was very important to me to raise my child with both parents involved. My son has spent equal time with both parents since my departure (and subsequent divorce from his Dad) when he was 18 months old. Though at times through the years I've wished for a less-involved father, and have suffered (immensely) at school activities where Daddy and his new partner/girflriend/wife whatever appeared coupled while I was alone, we've all made it through (so far). My son is 14.

Thu, 2009-01-15 17:59

Cynthia, I think that's very important too. My dad determined to stay with my mom because he was terrified he'd only get to see us on the weekends if my parents divorced. I know every situation is different, and not every dad deserves to play a role in the children's lives (got a few in mind, myself). But how many part-time dads out there are at the mercy of an angry ex-, unsympathetic courts, or even controlling new wives. It can't be a fun way to live out the remainder of your life!

It would take an eloquent man to represent the cause, but like most who are silenced, I'm sure there are valid feelings that could use a tad more understanding. Nice props, Cynthia, I totally respect your shout-out to your dad.

Fri, 2009-01-16 09:21