Self Esteem & Little Girls: Are We Harming Our Daughters When We Say ‘You Look Pretty!’?

Are We Harming Our Daughters When We Say ‘You Look Pretty!’?

When you see an adorable little girl with big blue eyes, a pretty dress and sparkly shoes … is your first instinct to say, "You seem really smart; what books have you read lately?" Probably not! We tend to say, "You look BEAUTIFUL," "You’re eyes are stunning," or "What pretty shoes you have!" It’s so natural to compliment little girls … especially our own! But a recent article in the Huffington Post says all these compliments on their physical attributes may be doing them more harm than good. Are we setting them up to feel that their exterior is the ONLY thing about them that’s valuable? Rebecca Woolf from girlsgonechild.net weighs in.

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orbitisamazing
5 months ago

I haven't read the article, but I can give some personal feelings and thoughts that I have just formed from what was said on this video. I myself am a teenage girl. My mother has never called me beautiful...or even pretty for that matter. Other family members have, but not her. My dad says it sometimes, but my mom never does. Because of this, I have always felt that she has never taken pride in me. She has never told me that I am smart either. Infact, I am almost positive she thinks I am a complete dumbass, but that's besides the point. The point is, I think that telling your children that you think they are beutiful, or commenting on something that you like about them, makes them feel loved. I'm not saying that doing this gratiutously is good; we wouldn't want them to get too big a head, but a nice comment here or there about how they look, or how smart they are can go a very long way.

CEMom
5 months ago

I'm guilty of the "you're so pretty" proclamations - and I'm so glad you mentioned your mom's experience because Lisa Bloom's article gave me pause.

JaMonkey
5 months ago

I've been so back and forth about this. I will always tell my daughter that she is beautiful but I also tell her that she is so smart and clever as well. If you've seen The Help my favorite scene is when they say "You is Kin, You is Smart, You is important" I just love it!

rondapresh
5 months ago

When I was a little girl my parents did a fair amount of complimenting both my physical and intellectual traits. I tell you this... there were times as a teenager that my parents (lasting and continuous) love and praise got me through rough patches with being a teen. Having someone truly believe you are beautiful AND smart and believe in you... that got me over those high hurdles. I have a 2 year old son and a 6 year old niece. You better believe I will tell them they are beautifully made and wonderfully smart!

rachel wattson
5 months ago

We are made up of many parts. Why should we not compliment every facet of our children? If we feel the need to compliment we should, no matter what it is.

olivesmum
5 months ago

This is a topic so near to my own heart. When I was my daughter's age (3), all I wanted was to ride my older brother's skateboard and play He-Man with him. Alas, my babe is a girly girl thru and thru who will only wear party dresses and sparkly shoes. I have feared in the past that when she gets attention from strangers for her appearance (Look at that girl! Look at that dress! Well, don't you look beautiful!) she is getting the message that people relate to her based primarily on her appearance. I resisted it, I fought it, all to no avail. When my daughter asked me 'How do I look?' after her fifth costume change of the day, I answered her "you look smart!!". "NOOOOOO! I look beeeeeeeeaaautifulll!". *sigh* So, I had to give up the ghost. The real truth of it is that she is her own person, and the dang dresses make her happy. And you know what? I like playing dress up, too! So, never mind then--- but I still let her know how smart she is every chance I get! :)

Bekka at thesma...
5 months ago

I have kind of a different take on this, not being a mother yet myself but being heavily involved in a Tanzanian orphanage, for which I run a nonprofit (www.thesmallthings.org). Basically, I agree with both of you, which is to say that mothers and long-term caregivers should absolutely teach their daughters that they're gorgeous - however, I also think that it is important to be mindful about what we say FIRST to girls we don't know, what we communicate to them about what the world finds valuable. That isn't to say we should never tell them they're beautiful, but that it shouldn't be our first or our only way of interacting with them. The whole thing takes on another layer when I start thinking about the orphanage kids, because they're not our daughters, but they don't have mothers to tell them how gorgeous they are - and it definitely IS crucial to be aware of the messages we send to ALL our kids about what their gender means for who they should be. This is doubly true in a deeply patriarchal society, which Tanzanian society is, and when they have few models of male caregiving to look up to. Anyway, I wrote a longer response to all of it at http://www.thesmallthings.org/2011/09/beautiful-girls.html - I'd love to hear what you think about this slightly different situation.

Carla@AllofMeNow
5 months ago

Like Roxanna, I hate to leave links as comments but I wrote all about how to compliment little girls in positive ways after reading the original article: http://allofmenow.com/2011/08/how-to-compliment-little-girls/ Hooray for telling little girls they look great!

jannagould
5 months ago

Great thoughts, Rebecca. But it's important to distinguish the role of the parent in this discussion and the role of mere acquaintances. Bloom talks about how to talk to little girls, with examples given that insinuate she is referring to talking to little girls you don't necessarily know or aren't your own daughters. As an adult it drives me crazy when strangers compliment me solely on my appearance. While they mean well, there is so much more about myself that's important and worth acknowledging. I think this is what Bloom is getting at. If we approach little girls we don't know solely about their appearance, we run the risk of teaching them (even if on the subconscious level) that it is appearance that gets them noticed by people. While I think it's hugely important that parents their children compliments of substance on all sorts of things (brains, look, good decisions, creativity), the role of a stranger is a bit different, it holds a different kind of power.

Rebecca
5 months ago

I understand that she isn't necessarily talking about our daughters but girls in general. I guess my question is, how does one compliment a stranger on what they do not know? If I were to meet a girl/woman/man in passing, how could I possibly compliment him/her on their ability to spell or write or make me laugh? We compliment strangers on what we first see, which is appearance. "Cool shoes!" or "What great hair you have". Would it offend you if I told you you were wearing awesome earrings? What if all I knew of you, in line, at a coffee shop was that you had great taste in accessories. Would you prefer I say nothing? What, then, would make you happy in terms of strangers complimenting you? And how do you expect them to know what to compliment if you're a stranger? I'm not asking hypothetically, I genuinely wonder. Because for me, I think complimenting strangers is especially important and have never seen it as hurtful. I would never think that by complimenting your earrings (hear me out!) I would be driving you crazy but if that's the case, I wonder why? I feel like as women, we're constantly victimizing ourselves as these "physical things"... I do agree with Bloom in that we should ask questions of the girls (and boys) in our lives so that we can commend them, or rather, give them the opportunity to feel confident in their own discussion, but I don't think complimenting a girl (or boy) on how they look detracts from these discussions.

Are We Harming Our Daughters When We Say ‘You Look Pretty!’?

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