Can Children Really Be Returned?

LISADEES
8 months ago

I'm curious to know how many of the people commenting on this story have opened their doors on a permanent basis to another persons child that is "unrelated". I am outdone that so many people are judging this woman without walking in her shoes. God only knows the full extent of whatever happened in that home prior to her sending him back. How perfect are your kids? If the kid is mentally unstable does he need to murder her in order to have a resolve the "public" would agree with? I do not agree with what she did but to tell the world "she" has a problem is soo judgemental and I know none of these women can be Christians. Not one has offered a posotive solution or opened their doors to help the situtation. I am disappointed.

Melissa_B.
2 yearss ago

No can can not "return" your child! I don't care if they are mentally ill. If that women had given birth to that child where would she return them to, her uterus (ouch that would hurt). The actions that someone would take in this situation should have nothing to do with if they were adopted or not. Parents have had to deal with their biological children being unstable why would anyone think that it's different just because they were adopted. Having a child, be that adopted or biological, is a crap shoot and if your going to adopted you need to know that walking into it. Obviously this women had not truly committed to being a mother and what she did just shows how crappy of a parent she was.

scarymonster
2 yearss ago

Really unrelated question: Where is your adorable sweater from, Heather?

GraceL
2 yearss ago

Jojo, I completely agree with you and suspect that anyone who thinks that people should just stick with it no matter what, can't fathom trading their four year olds for drugs, or molesting their foster children. I'm very glad that such atrocities are abstract for them, however the reality is that countless parents all over the world do these things to their children, so of course there needs to be an out. Because really, it's an out for the children who would suffer otherwise. Is it ideal? Of course not. However, we must deal with reality as it is, not as we wish it to be. I'm glad that child is not with that nutjob anymore, but ultimately it's the adoptive agency's fault for placing the child with someone who was not capable of caring for the child.

Jojo
2 yearss ago

I have a friend who is going through the process necessary to adopt a child through the foster care program. She and her husband have to go through a rigorous program of interviews and classes over several months in order to qualify. What is the program behind adopting a child from a country like Russia? There is none and they often very purposefully give children that are highly problematic (and under false pretense). I will not post a link but you can google the case of the mother who is in jail for killing her adopted child when she lost it at home (she adopted two kids, she was getting divorced, one child was severely emotionally troubled, and the woman had no help). Of course there is no justification ever for killing your child or even for being loony enough to stick a seven year old on a plane but there needs to be an out for these parents that can't handle it. We take children away from abusive parents and crack addicts because we care enough to not want to subject the children to these types of people. You can't just say "once a parent, always a parent" unless you are willing to apply that across the board. Should parents be allowed to "return" kids they can't handle? Absolutely. Otherwise, we are putting children at risk for some awful, awful things.

SilverXeno
2 yearss ago

I think Daffodil has said EXACTLY what I feel. You are a parent forever Every kid has challenges...Heck, I'm having issues with my 6 yr old now, but I AM DEALING WITH IT and not just shipping her off to social services so she can be someone else's problems. When my nephew was 5, he tried to burn down his house to kill his mom. Even children that come from your body can disrupt your ideal path for their lives. I don't care that the woman was with him for part of the trip...I don't care that she arranged for pickup after...You don't put a kid on a plane with a note stuck to his shirt. Notes stuck to shirts are appropriate for the parent & teacher communication...not international adoption undos. I feel like social services are in place to help. Even if that help comes at a price like being without your child or having to take parenting classes or drug tests...I would rather the child be there, than in a potentially harmful sitauation.

Daffodil Campbell
2 yearss ago

Foster parent and adoptive parent checking in ;) I am going to keep this as clear and unemotional as I can, even though, honestly, the situation makes me physically ill. This calls for bullet points ! 1. It does not matter how you become a parent - once you are a "forever" parent, you are a parent forever. Foster parenting is slightly different: that is a very fluid situation, and inherently unstable. You are a parent at the whim of the court, the state, extended biological family, and many other extenuating circumstances. 2. Every child - even the ones you give birth to - has the possiblity of having challenges, that may not present themselves until later on - from psychological issues to physical issues to just plain old personality conflicts. My son needed to have a kidney removed when he was 4 months old. I was responsible for that, though it certainly wasn't something that I had any control over. Don't tell me this was different. The child in this scenario, according to the mother, was ill and needed professional care. 3. There are indeed circumstances where the parents are not the right people to care for the child. That their home is not the best place for that child to be raised and cared for as needed and deserved. The child may need medical care, or supervision for their health and wellbeing or the wellbeing of others. And some people are just not able to parent. Period. 4. THERE IS NO EXCUSE FOR PUTTING YOUR CHILD ON A PLANE AND RETURNING THEM. There were many, many, many, MANY other ways to handle this - the first of which would be having the child admitted to a hospital for a psych evaluation. I have no idea what other steps this woman took before choosing to send him back to Russia, and I am sure this is a sad and scary story for all involved. So, to summarize. No, you cannot return or abandon your child. No, you cannot. You can help them to find a better life, and sadly it may not be with you. But they are not library books. They are not a car that has turned out to be a lemon. And once you have walked a mile in those shoes, honey, no store is gonna take 'em back. This is an interesting video about a family that had a similar situation, and how they handled it: http://www.cnn.com/video/#/video/living/2010/04/28/am.cho.russian.adopti...

induetime
2 yearss ago

I think it's a little harsh to say that the woman put a post-it note on the child and sent them off in a plane, alone. She flew with him as far as she could here in the states before she paid to have the child sent as an unaccompanied minor where the flight attendant watches them, and she paid for someone to pick the child up at the airport overseas and to drive him to the orphanage. I'm sure it wasn't a decision she made lightly. I just hope the child gets the help that he needs and that the woman seeks help as well. Having said that, it would have been nice to hear from someone in the foster/adoptive community.

daria
2 yearss ago

I agree with everyone who said that parenthood by adoption is analogous to parenthood by birth or any other method. There is a risk that an adopted child will have emotional issues just as there is a risk that a biological child will have emotional issues. There are plenty of ways for biological and adoptive parents to deal with children with emotional issues (hospitals, treatment centers, specialists, medications, etc etc). These aren't easy or cheap ways by any means, but I would think that they are generally accessible. The extra complication here is that there is the adoptions agency as the middle-man, which should have certainly checked this family's background and provided the family with proper training on what to expect and how to interact with an international child (I think we can guess here that the agency was less than helpful, and in fact, omitting information). Another complication is that unfortunately, Russian orphanages are overflowing with kids (so um, everyone! adopt Russian kids!), and yes, they will adopt out to anyone with money (Americans generally have money). However, once in America (and the child becomes a citizen automatically), there are certainly laws pertaining to matters of adoption and conflict resolution. Yes, there are ways to get out of a bad situation... to get children away from unsuited parents and to get parents safe from potentially harmful children. Actions can be taken, actions that do no involve sticking a "return to sender" post-it on a child's forehead and sending him alone back to another country. In any case, it seems that many different horrible sucky absolutely no good variables played into an awful situation that lead to an ultimately completely wrong decision. So sad.

kbaughman221
2 yearss ago

It would have been nice to hear from an adoptive parent or a foster parent on this issue. Are there any on the Momversation panel? I'm a foster parent (and will eventually be an adoptive parent). Before we became certified, we learned about attachment issues that kids in foster care may have. It was not difficult to come across this information. Someone adopting from Russia (or anywhere, for that matter) should be adequately prepared for the issues that a child may have, especially a child of that age. Her agency should have informed her but she should have sought education herself as well. Obviously, if a child is threatening your life or the lives of your family members, then action should be taken. But putting him on a plane by himself back to Russia? No.

Can Children Really Be Returned?

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