Co-Parent: Did You Pick the Right Mate?

Until you have a child, you won't know exactly how your mate will be as a co-parent. Sure, he or she might be kind, thoughtful, and love kids, but it's hard to be kind after staying awake for 3 days straight with an infant. So, how has your mate stood up to the challenge? Did you pick the right person to co-parent your children? And what constitutes a good co-parent? Mindy Roberts of The Mommy Blog asks, "Did you pick the right mate?"

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norma p.a
4 months ago

I'm still pregnant with my first child, and fairly young. the father is 27 and I'm having real doubts in raising my child with him. but like she said in the video, i can't return him. but should i keep him? then comes the point that was made about the lack of fathers in kids lives. i myself never had a father, mine died before i was born and brother's father never was around. so i don't have much to compare to by my own life. but i know i don't want some one who will get drunk and who wont grow up and handle responsibilities or not crack under pressure. but where do i go from here finish film and have my child sound impossible alone. and i rather take the consequences of raising my child alone then with a person that will give my child and i heart ache. so I'm at a lost...

alejandramaria.rivas
10 months ago

I dont think there is nothing to "handle" it is out of our control what kind of dad a man is(like it or not). We can only control what kind of mom we are(given that there are no super serious issues like abuse etc. in that case absolutly there should be lawyers involved) Have anyone ever stop to think that nature has wisdome. I think that asking is he the "right" Dad is like asking is this child the "right" child. you can't change the past. From a genetical point of view is imposible to pick the wrong child for a man. But if there is any regrets you can only try to "fix it" giving the next generation guidlines of what to look for in a mate in regards to parenting, but then again how many of us listend to our parents when they told us who to pick? things are they way they are for a reason no point in dweling For me has work this: 1.accept 2.trust 3.Do your part to the best of your ability 4.Hope for the best ; )

geekgirl
2 yearss ago

For me, the answer to Daphne's question is not to have kids. I love children, always thought I'd eventually be a mom. But I'm 39 now, still childless - by choice, sort of. I like my husband. I have the usual complaints, but we get along well, have been married for 11 years. We have a nice life, decent assets, own a home, etc. All of the things that you want to have lined up before you have kids were accomplished a long time ago. We don't have kids for a variety of reasons, but the one I don't talk about to him is that I don't think he'd be a good dad. He's extremely intolerant of noise and mess, and I can't think of anything noisier and messier than a kid or two, unless maybe it was a pack of wild dogs roaming freely through the house. I would love to be a mom, but don't want to ever put a child in the position of having to be shushed and stifled just to deal with a parent's quirks. I grew up like that - my mother was not a good mom in many ways. I recall spending hours standing by the wall while she was on the phone, waiting for her to look at us so we could be allowed to ask her a question. We WEREN'T allowed to interrupt her "phone time" unless the house was going to burn down. Even then, I'm sure she would have been pissed. So yeah, some of that is my own personal baggage having grown up with an inadequate parent, but part of it is concern that how he is with a pet, at least partially reflects on how he'd be as a dad. And when your partner freaks out that the cat puked on the rug again, or that he got woken at 6am three mornings running, and insists that it's a malicious conspiracy to disturb his peace and rest, I can't help but project that he would be absolutely and fundamentally unable to parent. It makes me very sad, and it makes me angry that I didn't see it before and choose better. The problem is, I both love and like my husband. I'm 39. I wouldn't want to parent without a spouse. The one real life friend in which I have confided regarding this, tells me to leave him, and find a man who fits the bill. Practically speaking, there simply isn't time. And emotionally speaking, I don't feel it's a good enough reason to leave my husband. It's a sacrifice I've chosen to make - being a mother - and it hurts, but I believe it hurts far less than it would hurt to have a child whose father got angry or had an anxiety attack every time she cried or spit up or woke up 5 times in a night.

salsamite
2 yearss ago

Yeah, I had a pretty bad father myself. To that end, I have come to learn not to expect too much from men. And even that I have done that makes me sad. My son's father really didn't want to be a father at all. We are, of course, not together. Now he is a pretty good father when he has him on the weekend. I know our son is safe, loved and having fun. However, he does not prioritise his son at all. He believes himself to be an AWESOME father because he didn't jump ship, like his own dad did. I know he gives himself snaps for that, which gives me a little chuckle. Now, while I don't expect too much of men for myself, I expect the world for my boy. His dad doesn't really understand what I mean when I tell him he should be prioritising Jonah number one. He's all like, "He IS my priority when he is with me". And I'm like, "Yeah, but he is MY priority every single minute in regards to every single seemingly insignificant - or significant - choice I make". He just doesn't get it. His work, social life, girlfriend etc. all rate above our son. As far as having a guy who is not in the picture every day, I did pretty well choice-wise (not that it was a conscious choice!). He lets me be the boss, we don't fight about things, we rarely have arguments at all. I simply realise that I'm going to have to be enough for my son, and I'll keep the Awesome Daddy myth alive for Jonah as long as I can, because knowing that my father was a bit crap did me no favours at all. Oh my, this is badly constructed (sorry), but it is a pretty full-on topic!

autodidactress
2 yearss ago

Hmm. It's not that I don't "like" Maggie's idea, it's that I think that's more a reflection of their own parenting than the kind of parenting they'll be able to give. It reminds me of how my mother always said, "If you want to see if he'll treat you well, watch how he treats his mother." I don't know, I just think it's unfair to say that if we wouldn't be 100% thrilled with being our partner's parent that they wouldn't be good co-parents. There's too much push-pull.

jacksmom
2 yearss ago

Daphne, I had a similar experience to yours...I got to see my husband in action as a dad early on, since he rasied his daughter from the age of 2 until I met her when she was 14, as a single dad. On our second date, I was invited over to their house for pizza on a school night, and literally was thrown into the middle of family time. I got to see the great dynamic between Maddie and Greg, as well as see what a wonderful young lady he was raising. At the same time, I completely agree with Maggie...I wanted a man who I would want my son to look up to and want to be just like. Now that we've been married for almost seven years, Maddie has graduated from high school and college and married, Jack has come into the world (with Maddie holding one of my legs and Greg holding the other), and we are raising our second child together, I can say without a shadow of doubt that I have found a man I am proud to parent with and I hope Jack grows up to emulate in every way.

Talon
2 yearss ago

One of the things that came directly to mind when I saw this topic was something my mother said to me. I don't remember how the conversation started, it wasn't that long ago, but she said something that I know she's said in the past, at least indirectly. But what she said to me, not so long ago was this: "My father wasn't much of a father and isn't much of a husband or man. You kids are lucky to have the father you do." Or something along those direct lines. And you know what? Every single word is true. I live in Michigan, which runs on car production. Both my families worked for 2 of the Big 3, so layoff's were a part of our lives. My dad took me to ballet, he volunteered at the co-op pre-school that we all went to (just around the corner in the basement of the Methodist Church we also attended), he co-ran OM (Olympics of the Mind) and Future Problem Solving while the boys and my cousins were in elementary school (our school system had seven of us from pre-school to graduation, THREE in one year because my middle brother and my twin cousins were the same age) he coached Jr. Football when it first started, so did I, for that matter, he came to my basketball practices, sometimes came to watch me in b-ball camp and was there for the day my coach tried to get through me to the basket and he ran smack into me and fell on his ass, and I barely moved. He went to my brother's chess tournaments, cross country races, endured many MANY Band Booster fund raisers, sat through innumerable band performances since all three of us were also in band. Actually we were all in sports, band and drama and forensics. And it wasn't just the fun stuff either. I could go on about my dad AND my mom...the good and the bad. But when I chose a co-parent...I know I chose a good one. He may be a moron some of the time (you know...like those times he either does something moronic or disagrees with me when I'm clearly RIGHT *grin*) but we lived through the loss of our first child together. He's still angry with my parents for how they treated me Mothers Day that first year (Rhys was born after Mothers Day in '97, in '98 I got a horrible phone call from my father in the evening because when any one of us falls down on the job, it's my fault because I'm the oldest.) Well, I was...it was a horrible day for me to begin with. I was a mother who didn't have her child, and to add to it, Rhys' birth and death anniversaries will always be close to Mother's Day. My husband went to talk to my father the next day. It didn't go well. And Jim is still pissed about how they treated me. Because all three of us forgot to call Mom that day. We don't see eye to eye on everything, or even on things that are important. But I'm Mom, so alot of these things are MY call. Did I choose the right co-parent? This nonsensical rambling indicates that I did. We home school, and Jim wanted Ripley to try Brownies, and Ripley wanted to try it. I was already responsible for all her other activities (science, yoga, swim&gym, art, ect...) so I told him if he wanted it so badly he'd have to handle it. I had my fill of Girl Scouts when I WAS one. Ripley's in her third year of Troop 100. They're very close, especially since he's been out of work for almost two years now. I'm ill alot, so it's hard on Ripley, and Jim takes up that slack really well. I wish he'd take up the housework slack when it's clear I can't manage it...but I lost my stun gun. I'd love to have a third child with him. I really would.

acm
2 yearss ago

I can imagine a good parent being a crappy spouse, but I can't imagine that person being a good "co-parent" unless you've really divided up the landscape pretty thoroughly (as you might in the negotiations around divorce). I mean, half of it is getting onto the same page (both by learning together and by negotiating values and guidelines) and half of it is the back-and-forth -- realizing when your partner has gotten frustrated or tired and stepping in, valuing the difficulty of childcare and being more supportive when "off-duty" (like making dinner appear magically, or taking the hard in-law phone calls), developing the kid-jokes and beer stash and other things that parents need to get through the hard days, not worrying about whose job is whose but just (recognizing and) getting The STuff done, and taking some responsibility for nurturing the relationship in the midst of the storm. Everybody will have strengths and weaknesses among these sorts of things, as well as days when they do better or worse at stepping up, but it feels to me like that's what it means to be in the game, and it's the kind of teamwork that a couple can develop over the earlier years of their relationship if all goes well (heck, they can develop it during wedding planning, if the Us versus Them stuff gets crazy enough). Just my two cents. It's partly picking and partly cultivating, but I think that much of what you need to know you can discern before the first diaper shows up. (Sadly, if you've been "fooled," as somebody else said, then it can be painful realizing that you're really a single parent! The sooner you figure it out, the sooner you can decide what to do next, but ouch.)

mommytoall
2 yearss ago

bwankel
2 yearss ago

My husband is a good father in exactly the same way that I am a good mother. That is, we both had no idea how to be parents or what kind of parents we would be before our son was born, and now we're doing the best job we know how, and it's working out pretty well. He and I disagree on a few things, like how we can best discipline him, how much TV he should be watching, how much candy he should be allowed, but for the big stuff, I think we're on the same page. The only issue I have is that my husband has incredibly wonderful, kind moments, but he also has moments where he gets really angry about something completely stupid or treats me like I am a moron because I went about doing something in a different way than he would have. I call him out for this all the time, and he always apologizes, but it's as if he can't help it. I'd love to just have that piece of his personality amputated. But, what can we do now? We've brought a son into this world and we need to work together to raise a good kid. I'm sure there's stuff about me he doesn't like, but we have to put it all aside and concentrate on the task at hand.

Co-Parent: Did You Pick the Right Mate?

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