To Cry It Out or Not Cry It Out?

The "Cry It Out" method of sleep training is a controversial one. Some parents swear by this soothe-himself-asleep method popularized by Dr. Richard Ferber. Others think that allowing a child to cry alone in his crib leaves him feeling insecure and frightened. But what to do when your infant won't slumber through the night? Heather Armstrong of Dooce asks, "To cry it out or not cry it out?"

Do you believe in the "Cry It Out" method? What sleep training tips did you use? Was your child a good or difficult sleeper? Join the Momversation by commenting below.

More videos on Momversation ... Browse all 347 videos

Showing the Latest of 36 Comments

VIP09
2 yearss ago

UGHH!! To cry it out or not to cry it out.... I actually did the cry it out metheod when I was staying with my parents for three months while my husband was at basic training for the military. He was a year and half and I decdied to do so ONLY becasue he was getting so heavy for me to rock to sleep and it was lating longer and longer to do! So I got the info and I told my parents I was going to do this. My mom was visiting friends so I could do this without getting the horrified look and my father was very much into the " I raised my kids, I'm not doing anything", which was great because I needed to do it on my own. The info I had gotten was to go in after 5 minutes and make sure that he was ok, put him back down to sleep and walk away for another 5. I had an iPod so I turned the music up waited for 2 songs to end and I would go back into his room. It lasted a week and he was going to bed on his own. It was either that or back surgery later in life! With my daughter, she just got it right away, I did nothing. At 3 months old all I would have to do is put her in her bed and leave the room! I got lucky with her. I don't believe I'm a bad mom for doing this, I think if I kept doing what I was doing before I would have had a 4 year old in my arms rocking him to sleep. It was time!

novemberjuliet
2 yearss ago

I also tried the cry it out method . . . or rather I should say that I "applied" the cry it out method. Until 8 months, my little son was a great little sleeper - he either slept the whole way through or maybe needed a feeding or two, but rarely cried. Then when he was about 8 months he had his first real bout of separation anxiety . . . and apart from his sudden onset of staunch will to be awake from 1 - 4 in the morning, he was a really pleasant baby. We broke down one night and decided to give Ferber's method a try. It wasn't for him - but for us. My husband (at the time) and I were both big sleepers and needed lots of sleep to function. So for one night, we followed this method: 10 minutes of crying, 10 minutes of cuddling, 20 minutes of crying, 20 minutes of cuddling, 30 minutes of crying, and then I spent 30 minutes with him, followed by 60 minutes, followed by 120 minutes. At first, he cried the whole way through the cuddle time and through and he pretty cried most of the time when he was put back in his crib, and so we all cried. I sat on my butt outside his room and cried hard along with him. It was a long 8 hours. The next night when he went to bed - he went to sleep. And we got up the next day. AND that was that. One long night of crying. That might not be the norm, but that's how it worked for us.

BeingSuper
2 yearss ago

I was lucky with my baby girl. She started sleeping through the night at 2 weeks old. 2 weeks! I would nurse her one last time before I went to bed around 11pm and she was solid until about 6am. It was awesome. Then, my husband and I separated when she was 2 years old and we all had some serious transitions to make. She refused (REFUSED) to go to sleep unless she was A. allowed to sleep with me or B. I was in her room next to her bed. She just wouldn't do it. It was total hell. I tried the cry it out thing but that did not work. At that point she was big enough to get out of her crib and just come into my room. She is a tenacious shit! On a suggestion from a friend I took her shopping for a new blanket and cuddly toy she could sleep with to see if bribery would work. Nope. This went on for about 2 months and I was a zombie. So many nights I would wake up on the floor of her room with one hand stuck inside her crib and then I would have to carefully sneak out so she wouldn't wake up. I started preparing for bed time at around 5pm so that I could hopefully get her to sleep by midnight. Then, one day I was giving her a bath and she said to me, "Mommy, I love you and I want to make you happy." OK, I'lll bite. "You know the one thing that would make me the most happy is if you would go to sleep all by yourself and not cry and let mommy sleep as well." "OK." Needless to say, I was skeptical. But that night at bedtime, after we sang our songs and read a quick story. I tucked her in and gave her a kiss. And didn't hear a peep until 7am the next morning. And that was the end of that. Who knew that reasoning would work with a 2 year old? On one hand I just want to scream because it was such a power struggle. On the other hand, I'm kind of proud of her for holding out and doing it on her own terms. Grrrrrr! Obviously this won't work with a baby, but hopefully my experience will let others know that there is light at the end of the tunnel. @BeingSuper

Mindy
2 yearss ago

There was one point I'd like to make that didn't come out in the video: My first baby ate every two hours for FOUR MONTHS. Nothing deterred him. There was no stretching the between-feeding times. He ate and slept like clockwork. Then suddenly at four months, he slept from nine to six. He did this every night for one month, and then went back to more frequent wakings/feedings. More confirmation that babies change rhythms during growth spurts, and once you get one thing working, they change it up again. The others had their own rhythms as well, and the calm that ensued when we just went with it was astounding. Tiny wakings, right when they woke, made for barely disturbed slumber. No one had to scream, and I've stayed out of the clock tower. The main reason I could not let my kids cry it out was that I had three babies in four years, I just could not have subsequent children keeping the others awake with the crying. It would become one giant, empathetic cryfest, with me leading the parade with a Kleenex baton.

kristanhoffman
2 yearss ago

Haha, I love how Heather always does the funny voices during her videos. So goofy. I don't have any experience with this, but I'm with Karen: every kid (and family) is different, so you have to see what works for them/you. Also, just saw Mindy's comment about not having one kid's crying wake up the others, and I think that makes total sense (and reiterates the logic of Karen's statement).

kristanhoffman
2 yearss ago

Jojo
2 yearss ago

I am so glad that you finally tackled this topic that is so near to my heart. I can't believe I"m doing this but I need to defend Dr. Ferber. Why on earth do people attach his name to this Cry-It-Out method? FERBER DOES NOT ADVOCATE THE CRY-IT-OUT METHOD! Can I say that again? OK, I won't- but it's true. I know because I have read every single sleep book out there. Weissbluth (of Healthy Sleep Habits Happy Baby fame) is the one to advocate putting your baby down at night and not returning all night long. On the contrary, Ferber is very clear in the new edition of his book that not only does he not advocate this technique but he thinks it is possibly detrimental to both mother and baby. That is his official stance. Ferber advocates a progressively lengthened time of coming in and soothing the baby briefly and leaving over the night (but you generally start at three minutes and you never ever let the kid cry for more than half an hour maximum EVER). That's my beef. Beyond that technicality, I think every family needs to do what is best for them. My toddler is definitely still not sleeping through the night. Things were bad during teething and then got better. We are using a very gentle combination of Pantley's (No Cry Sleep Solution) and Ferber. I need my sleep but I don't mind waking up a couple times per night. That's where I stopped with the training rather than get her to sleep all night long. That's just me, though. I will second Mindy's assertion that I would also be downing bottles of Jack Daniels and shooting at pigeons if I had to deal with two weeks of screaming. Heather is awesome. Mindy is awesome. Thank you for sharing your lives so honestly. It helps me more than I could ever express.

Lene
2 yearss ago

Thank you Mincy. As you said, Ferberizing your baby doesn't teach her/him to "self soothe," but that no one will come. I don't want to think about what impact that has on the child's future ability to trust. if you read about childhood development and what abilities a baby has, you'll realize that a human being that young is simply not capable of learning to self soothe. Self soothing requires intellectual development, reasoning and thought and although I at times think that babies know the secret of cold fusion, developmental psychology tells us that they just do not have the skills and mental development required to learn that skill until much later. All you have to do is put yourself in the shoes (ok, booties) of a baby and imagine what it would feel like. I have a disability and need assistance to get out of bed, so maybe that helps in making that mental leap, but still... I'm not a parent and for many, I guess that means my opinion isn't valid. Still, I had to say thank you. Because what you said, maybe someone out there will question the recommendation to let their baby cry it out. Lene http://theseatedview.blogspot.com/

MeMyselfandMommy
2 yearss ago

Heather I am so sorry, I don't know what to say other than that. It makes me feel bad to even tell this story because it's so minor compared to what you ladies went through with your children. The first month of Moanna's life was miserable for me. She would sleep FINE during the day, for a few hours at a time. When the sun would go down, she would sleep for no lie 10 minutes at a time. I would nurse her, swaddle her... the whole routine. Lay her down in her crib that was by the way right next to our bed. 10 minutes later she would wake up and freak out. So we would do the whole routine over again. Steve and I both cried almost every night because we didn't know what to do. I kept thinking please don't let her have my insomnia, not at this point in her life. I honestly didn't like my daughter those first few weeks, I loved her yes, but I didn't like her. We would both freak out if we were left alone with each other for too long. I had to go back to work four weeks after she was born just to get away. I don't remember what changed, but she started sleeping for an hour at a time, then two and so on. This is my take on the whole thing. Do what is best for you and your baby. For us, when Moanna was under a year old and then on nights when she was older, we would go get her. Now that she is two, we only get her up if it's the "HEELLLLLP MEEEEEEE" cry. If it's any other cry, she stays. Typically it takes her less than 5 minutes to fall back to sleep, if it's not the serious cry.

katieladyTX
2 yearss ago

I must say to Lene that just because you are childless does not make your opinion invalid! But, I will say that having a baby under 6 months of age cry-it-out is not what is intended, IMO. Yes, infants cry because they need something, and sometimes that something is just to be held. It is my belief that at that young age, ABSOLUTELY it is just cruel to let them scream all night. But I have always read that sleep training works best around a year old and older. When they DO have the ability to self-soothe and start to learn that even though I don't SEE Mom or Dad, doesn't mean they aren't THERE. This is the age we did sleep-training for my son. I would say he was almost a year old (although I don't remember exactly), and he was ready. We did the Ferber method (which I also agree with Jojo on that subject) and would just extend the time we went in there. But it never lasted longer than half an hour. It took 3 nights and he got it. And he is a fabulous sleeper and even now at 2.5 years I put him in his big boy bed and he goes right to sleep. So yes, I truly believe he was 'intellectually' mature enough to train to sleep. I will also argue with anyone who says you can't reason with a toddler. I reason with my now 2.5 year old all the time, you just have to do it on a level they understand. The older your kid gets, the quicker they learn how to manipulate you, and I have always seen not-going-to-sleeping as a sort-of power struggle....like many things you deal with toddlers about. You have to teach your kids that YOU are the adult and call the shots. Whether it's not throwing your food at the table, or teaching your kid that they can, indeed, put themselves to sleep and don't need you to it for them. I will end by agreeing with Karen that every baby/child is different, so there is no hard-and-fast way to get every kid to sleep through the night the same way. You do what is best for your family at the time, and that's all anyone can really ask you to do anyway. CIO worked for us, but it is not for everyone, as has been previously stated. And to judge others on whether or not they do is just not cool.

To Cry It Out or Not Cry It Out?

Showing the Latest of 36 Comments

Post new comment

Sponsored Links

Panelists

We Work With 40 Contributors Meet Them All

Express Yourself!

Momversation is the place where real women share personal insights into the issues that affect us.