Do You Lie to Your Kids?

"What a lovely picture!" "These cookies are delicious!" "Santa knows when you are sleeping!" The little white lie is designed to minimize hurt feelings, fear, and anger... and to keep our kids innocent as long as possible. But don't we teach our kids to value truth? So where do you draw the line between acceptable lying and unacceptable lying? Mindy Roberts of The Mommy Blog asks, "Do you lie to your children?"

What are your thoughts? Does the Tooth Fairy appear at your house? Do you lie to protect your kids? Do you lie to shield them from harsh realities? What won't you lie about that other moms might? Join the Momversation by taking our poll or commenting in one of our related forums.

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Pat
3 yearss ago

Rebecca's Transvesti story was really good but when my 5 year old daughter asked me the other day while we were down town about a man that looked like a woman and she was obviously puzzled.. I didn't know what to do, I know it's even worse but I just took the easy way out and told her he/she was a woman and let's not talk about it anymore..

bwankel
3 yearss ago

I hadn't thought about this very much, my son isn't asking questions yet. But, I feel like lying, in one sense of the word or another, is something every parent does whether they'll own up to it or not. Especially when you reach the end of one of those "why, why, why, why" question sessions toddlers are so famous for. You can't draw any lines here, it's all a very muddy thing. I mean, sure, telling your child a flat-out lie to get them to do something, "clean your room or the bogeyman will get you", is wrong, I think we can all agree. But, lying to protect their feelings, or lying in a way that won't damage them psychologically, should be evaluated on a case-by-case basis. I mean...making mac and cheese with pureed cauliflower to get them to eat some veggies: good or bad thing? And, IMHO, making the weird, gross, and possibly traumatizing event of losing teeth a little bit fun by making up a fairy that comes and gives treats (think I will be taking the money out of it) is probably ok while they are young. Still on the fence about Santa, I'm hoping the answers will come to me when the time is right.

the monster wrangler
3 yearss ago

I really try not to lie to my kids. Of course you can tell the truth in a non-harmful and age appropriate way. You wouldn't tell your kid, 'dude, your hair looks awful!' We say something like, 'you always look beautiful sweetie!' KWIM? We don't do Santa, the Easter Bunny, etc. But we do tell stories, but not under the pretense of them being the truth.

Momartfully
3 yearss ago

I am completely guilty of misleading/dissembling and lies of omission many, many, many times, but often it's partial (telling the truth that is age appropriate). I think that's more of a delay tactic - they do come back and ask again as they get older. I find it especially difficult when dealing with the big issues like divorce, death, illness, finances, abuse and differences. I wonder how much the age of our children has to do with our "approach" - I didn't have much to lie to them about when they were littler beyond Santa and the Easter Bunny. As they age the issues get much more complicated.

bwankel
3 yearss ago

I think you have a good point, Momartfully. It is simply a way to delay certain topics until the child reaches a more appropriate age for full-on discussion.

bittermelon
3 yearss ago

My sister told all of her kids from the time that they were young that Santa was "just a character". Her kids wanted to believe in him so badly and I was torn with wanting them to know the truth and wanting them to have that fun. Before she did that, I was all "why are you lying to your kids about Santa Claus, a lie is a lie" when other people discussed xmas and their kids. And then I had my son and I want him to be able to take part of the fun too. Because I went to Catholic school but was not Catholic myself, and man did it suck not getting any presents while everyone else in your class did. So, we've decided to celebrate the secular aspects of the holidays and somehow tell him that they're stories without nec telling him the characters are not real. As for the rest of lying, yes, definitely try not to do it, but when he picks up every brown leaf in the fall and offers it to me as a present, how the hell do I not tell say yes when he specifically asks, isn't it beautiful.

baumgak
3 yearss ago

Seems Santa and the Easter Bunny have become quite the focus of this lying topic, so I just wanted to voice my vote for, what is the big deal? Seriously, I have no qualms about those 2. I understand if Christian holidays are not part of your religious or cultural background not pretending to your kids like these things really exist. But if you are celebrating these holidays, then why not? I cannot think of a single person I've ever talked to in my adult life who was somehow traumatized when they realized one day that these characters weren't real. Sure, there's probably some initial disappointment, but maybe that's a life lesson that's important for kids to learn to get through, too. Based on that, it's surprising to me the number of parents who have some major gut-wrenching internal dilemma about whether to have Santa for their kids or not. Espcially given how common he is in pop culture and whatnot -- you'd almost have to go out of your way to make sure that your kid doesn't believe in this guy at some age. Besides, whatever happened to the idea of letting one's imagination define what's real, in a sort of figurative sense, anyway? The spirit of those holidays and those characters can be real if you believe in them -- even as an adult, experiencing the wonder of Santa and the Easter Bunny all over again through the eyes of your own child. I don't know, that's just my 2 cents. Santa kept coming to my house growing up long after my parents surely knew my sister and I were old enough not to believe he was real, and I've always thought that was the point - it was a great thing - not immediately ending all Santa traditions past a certain age. Santa's non-existence just wasn't discussed. As adults, we still sneak down on Christmas Eve and fill each other's stockings with surprises.

Jo Anna
3 yearss ago

"Do you lie to your kids?" Well, I think we should first take off the table from the get-go the "little white lies" we tell to spare someone's feelings -- like "you always look beautiful" or "of course I can tell that chicken scratch is a loving portrait of our family" or "no, the little bits of green in there are herbs, not spinach, now just eat your pot pie please". I think we all have versions of the little white lie that we use in our daily lives, some maybe more than others, some maybe not so little, but for the most part, they can't really be considered lies as much as they are buffers to the truth. Potato, potahto, I know, but there you go. The rest of the lies we allow ourselves to tell our children seem to me to fall into 3 big buckets. 1) To avoid conversations that make US uncomfortable (sad, awkward, hurtful) -- maybe about death, divorce, transvestite hookers, for instance. Being a lesbian latina couple born and bred into fairly traditional Mexican Catholic families, we made a concerted decision very early on to not lie to our kids about real-life situations. Too much of our own lives were affected so negatively by "well-intentioned" lies in the past for us to justify the hypocrisy and perpetuate unnecessary pain. It's not always been easy, for certain. And we have to remind each other often that the truth is really okay to say out loud. But children are surprisingly accepting of the world as it is, of people as they are, because truly they don't come with those predefined social filters built in. Those are inherited. Depending on their age and understanding of the concept, though, we will provide more or less detail about a certain topic. Do they need to understand what HIV and AIDS are? Sure. It's so prevalent in our society today that they are bound to hear about it from one medium or another, from a child at school, or because they know someone or are someone who is infected. But do they need to know what sharing drug needles and having unprotected sex actually entails? God, no. At least, not yet. They're only 6. But we will have to be ready. Which leads me to #2. 2) To protect our children from things they're just not ready for developmentally. This one's a little harder to judge, I think, because very often parents will put lies that actually belong in bucket #1 into bucket #2, at which point I do think it's doing more harm than good because now the parents are actually lying to themselves, too. That our children's moms have chosen to spend their lives together as a family has nothing to do with sex. Therefore, explaining homosexuality to children is no different than responding to, "Mom, why is Karl's skin so much darker than mine?" Because that's the way they were born, and this is the way I was born, and everyone's different, and that's what makes the world such an amazing place. And finally... 3) To perpetuate fairy tales we may recall from our own childhood that hold fond memories or warm places in our hearts still. I think Santa, the tooth fairy, and the Easter Bunny all kind of fall into this one. I don't think it's such a big deal either. I do agree with fostering children's imaginations (to a point). Completely disagreed, for instance, when the kids wanted to build a leprechaun trap this week so that they could take his gold. But not because I didn't think it was ok for them to believe in little green men who bring luck and good fortune to the world -- just don't really condone the whole theft and abduction scheme. But I also agree with the method some moms have alluded to of turning it back around on the children, so that they do determine on their own when it no longer makes sense for them to believe in these imaginary characters. Having been in their shoes, I think most of us can agree that at some point, we do grow out of it. But storytelling and the employment of metaphors and analogies to respond to questions about why the sky is blue, where rainbows come from, how the seasons change, why the wind blows, how the stars got into the sky, or any other infinite number of "why, why, whys" has been a part of most cultures since the beginning of time. They're traditions, customs, rituals. And while I'll concede that they're not always necessarily educational, they're certainly not hurtful. I would insist, however, that they could be more informational, and that we as parents could probably do a better job of providing more background information about the origin of "retail holidays" so that they're not stripped entirely of their true meaning and commercialized just for the sake of commercialization (ala "Festivus" from Seinfeld). Cultural variations of these myths and fairy tales exist all over the world. Maybe it would be a fun family project to research the way another culture celebrates or recognizes a particular holiday and incorporate some of those customs into our own to create a holiday that isn't just a distant echo of something real, but something new and real that we've created together? So, lying to our kids? Eh, to each his own, I guess. All I know is I'm not gonna be the one to tell them their birthday wish isn't gonna come true this year. And I'm okay with that.

Momversation
3 yearss ago

"Completely disagreed, for instance, when the kids wanted to build a leprechaun trap this week so that they could take his gold. But not because I didn't think it was ok for them to believe in little green men who bring luck and good fortune to the world -- just don't really condone the whole theft and abduction scheme." Fantastic! I think that's probably a good thing. Poor green men, constantly following rainbows, only to have industrious children stealing his gold...

Rikki
3 yearss ago

I have to say that the ends justify the means. I don't have a problem celebrating the spirit and love of St. Nicholas - YEAR 'ROUND - in a way that may be deceptive but instills a deep respect for doing for others. And, as I told my children when they asked for the 'truth,' I wanted them to have a little bit of magic in their lives. The oldest is 20, the youngest is 7, and so far, they are healthy, happy, well-adjusted people.

Do You Lie to Your Kids?

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