Finances and Friendships

Your friend wants to dine at La Cher Riche. You can't afford it. Or maybe you want to enjoy a weekend in the Poconos, but your friends can barely afford "Poc." Money can be a great separator in relationships. At best, it can be a point of awkwardness. At worst, it can be a bone of contention. But should finances really affect friendships? Or, more importantly, do they? Rebecca Woolf of Girl's Gone Child asks, "Does money affect your relationships?"

More videos on Momversation ... Browse all 348 videos

Showing the Latest of 10 Comments

acm
2 yearss ago

I have a group of friends that is now a mix of single and married, in various states of employment. A (fairly central) friend got married overseas, and various subsets of folks made plans to room together, travel together before and after, etc. One of them ended up pulling out kind of at the last minute, because she (an artist) had a sort of financial wake-up. All the rest of us would gladly have chipped in to cover her airfare, since we rarely get to see one another anymore, but she just went incommunicado over the whole thing for several months, missing the wedding and many other events. Honestly, everybody understood, the group was big enough for "chipping in" to be a very small deal, blah blah. But I guess it was too much for her, which was entirely too bad... Heck, when I was an impoverished graduate student, we went out for Vietnamese and to bars with cheap music. But there was still a hierarchy in some ways, with folks who could afford occasional wine-and-dinner nights sneaking off together. Dunno; I think it can be worked around, but only if folks are sensitive -- and SilverXeno's comment shows how hard that can be! I'm sure money differences kill a lot of friendships. I'm with Mainline in often being the friend with money, but I've rarely been an "I'll treat" person unless it's really something *I* want to do (special occasion or a rare treat for myself). Otherwise, one just tries to plan simple outings and get-togethers that don't have to cost anybody: cooking brunch at home, or meeting for a drink, or hearing a friend play music. Then everybody can calibrate their spending for themselves. I have been in situations where a group went out someplace fancy (somebody's birthday, say), and there were "cheapskate" issues on splitting the bill -- I distinctly remember eating bite-for-bite with the guy next to me and then putting in some $20 more than he did (and then more later when the bill was short). That can lead to "including them out", so I'm glad that somebody intervened to let the "offender" know that they needed to take a different approach to such situations. It can be hard when there's a large group, but as somebody else said, you can always decide just to have an appetizer -- just remember that if somebody isn't paying, then there's a bigger meal that has to be split up... blah blah. I'm sure we've most been on many sides of such debates. (p.s.) when did Momversation change the order of presenting comments (to latest-first)? it can make it really hard to follow the conversation...

SilverXeno
2 yearss ago

The backwards comments thing is super annoying, right?? Lol... When I *have* been in financial straits and a friend says, "Let's have lunch!" I'll say...why don't you just come over next week and we can chill while the girls play? Either they're smart enough to get it, or ambivalent enough about the lunch that they don't care where it is. And that's nice, too.

SilverXeno
2 yearss ago

Hmm...My profile screen is showing I submitted a response, and I know I *did* type one up, but I don't see it...so I hope I'm not going to be repeating myself...I did get some error messages when I tried to comment a few days ago. Let's see how much of it I can remember... Having always been near the lower end of the pay scale, I have refused invitations or just said, "Sorry, not for me this time!" I did have a friend mention she and some others went to lunch without me...I said, "Ooh, I wish I could've come." She said she knew money was tight and didn't want to burden me. Umm...I could've sipped water & had an appetizer! I think it's up to *me* to decide if I am too broke for an event. It was Olive Garden, not (um, wow, I can't even think of a REALLY expensive restaurant name right now!) some other place! When I was a teen, my bestfriend did not have a paying job like I did. If I REALLY wanted to go out, I would offer to pay for her. But when she did get the odd bit of cash, she would offer to put gas in my car, since I drove her all over. And periodically her parents would give me gas money since we went to the same church functions & this way they didn't have to do it. We always used the money for tacos instead. :) It's not like we were going out to fancy restaurants or flying to Vegas, but "Ohmigosh don't you TOTALLY feel like a milkshake right now?" And there were times when I would stop at a gas station...and she would go in and buy us both a coke. Obviously, it's a slightly different social situation, but either way, it was never an issue of any kind with my friends. I do realize now that my friends may think I'm broke b/c I comment on how I sell stuff on craigslist, or how "I got this WHOLE outfit for $4.98". :) Maybe I should stop doing that.

heather_r
2 yearss ago

This is a great discussion to have at this point in the economy, and I can definitely relate. I moved to a new city a couple of years ago, and knew just one person when I got there (who I had only hung out with once before). I knew she made more money than me, but I didn't really think it mattered -- until I started checking my bank statements. Going to brunches with her and getting our nails done was draining my resources, but I didn't want to back out after having formed a relationship with her, and without knowing anyone else there. As time went on, the economic disparity only grew, and I started having to decline her offers to go out to the best restaurants in the city in favor of cheap beers with new friends. She mistook this for preferring their company over hers, and she abruptly and dramatically declared an end to our relationship. It was shocking, and still bothers me, because she seemed to think that my explanation was just an excuse -- an explanation that was very hard for me to give. Ultimately, it turned out to be for the best, since it brought to light a real lack of compassion on her part, which is not at all desirable in a friend.

VIP09
2 yearss ago

For me it's the "Keeping up with the Jones'" mentality. Expecially living on a military base. New cars and stuff after tour, big houses and new shinny bling. It's hard sometimes but I've learned that my closest friends are going to be there if I'm dirt poor or if I won the lottery. We talk about finances with each other but not specifics. We all know there are going to be times where we all can't go out because of some financial reason or another but we've learned to accept that we all want to do things that the next one can't always be there for. But we always find a way to spend time with each other whether it be doing a pot luck or going out for coffee, movie nights at home or just going to the park with the kids for a chat. It's the time you spend with your friends, not how much you spend.

MeMyselfandMommy
2 yearss ago

I can not tell you how happy I am that Momversation is opening the discussion of finances and friendships. For most people, it is such an uncomfortable topic. However, for my husband and I, we feel it is important to openly talk about money. That is how we can learn and make healthier financial decisions. Steve and I are currently on a strict budget in order to pay down some major debts, and work our way out of the rat race. One of our rules is that we are only allowed to eat out once a month for date night. Anything else we eat must be purchased in a grocery store. We've had a few friends laugh at us, but most of them have been supportive. I feel it is so important to discuss finances that I have started writing about my personal finances (fully disclosing how much debt we have, how much we make and how much we spend) in a new section of my blog called, Me, Myself and Money. It has been an interesting experience so far. I would have expected family and friends to start treating us differently or asking us a lot of questions about our finances, but they haven't. The only difference that I've seen is that they seem to respect our reasoning behind how much we work, and how we choose to spend our money.

BuenoBaby
2 yearss ago

I can really identify with this conversation. We have been up and down the money ladder, and have gained and lost friends on our way up, and then back on our way down. There was this sociological study that determined proximity was the number one factor when it came to forming and developing interpersonal. When we lost our money, and had to sell our house, we moved away from our neighbors, our friends. We just lost touch. I don't know if any of them purposely snubbed us, or if our lives just went in different directions. I'm definitely aware of the inequities between our friends' lives, and our own. We don't go out for two-hundred dollar dinners anymore, but they do. Of course that's going to impact our relationships. www.buenobaby.com

Kimme
2 yearss ago

When we had our first child, I quit my rather lucrative job to go back to school full time for nursing. I'm three years into the degree, and we're beginning to be able to see the light at the end of the tunnel, but we've definitely had to change our lifestyle drastically. We used to be the couple who would take our friends with less money out to nice dinners, concerts and so forth just so we could spend more time with them. We're now complete homebodies. But other than seeing our friends less frequently, I don't think our slimmer bank account has made a huge impact on our relationships with those people. Part of it was just saying openly and without any plea for pity that we are tight all the time, that we really don't have money to go out, and that that's just the way it is. It was difficult (for me especially) to be more of an open book about finances, but it really has made it easier for people to understand and adjust the way they approach their friendship with us. We've also made a concerted effort to have a dinner party at our house at least twice a month. We cook a beautiful meal instead of going to a restaurant, people have a good time and we feel like we're still social creatures. So yeah, having less money has definitely changed our lives, but not so much our friendships.

MainlineMom
2 yearss ago

So it's interesting that all of you seemed to speak from the position of the person with less money in the relationship. I am wondering more about how it affects the person with more money, because that's usually the position I'm in these days. I was caught totally offguard once by a "friend" complaining that my facebook updates were always so "braggy and positive" about the cute clothes I got for my kids or the "bargains" I found at a particular store. I knew immediately the problem was that she's been hit severely by this recession and probably can't even afford the things I find on sale. It made me much more cautious of what I say around her, and certainly threw a wrench in a newly blooming friendship. On the flip side I have a tendency to get extremely annoyed with my life long best friend who is a perpetual student with zero fiscal responsibility. I can't be expected to always pick up the tab for her just because I can afford to. So I'm interested in reading more of the comments on this one :)

BeingSuper
2 yearss ago

When I was married the first time, we had NO MONEY. NONE. Totally broke all the time. And it was really hard. I had to turn down many invitations to parties, dinner etc. because we just didn't have the money. Then I got divorced. And I was working with half the money I had before. Turns out my ex was horrible at managing money (which was most of the problem). So I found myself as a single mom on a very limited income, but I didn't feel that I had to make as many sacrifices as I did when I was married. Maybe it was because I was busier and I had to turn down some of those invitations due to schedule conflict, or maybe it was because my friends understood that funds were limited and didn't push it in my face as much when I was married. Either way, I've come to grips with the fact that everyone has money problems sometimes. Married or single, sometimes we just can swing the trip to Vegas. I can honestly say though that I've never lost a friendship over money issues. There's been times when we've drifted apart, but we always manage to come back together again. The key is that when you're on the other side (the side with money) and your friends are struggling, you have to be understanding. And if you want to foster the friendship, you'll find ways to spend time with them that everyone can afford. @BeingSuper

Finances and Friendships

Showing the Latest of 10 Comments

Post new comment

Sponsored Links

Panelists

We Work With 40 Contributors Meet Them All

Express Yourself!

Momversation is the place where real women share personal insights into the issues that affect us.