How Do You Talk to Your Kids About Death?

It's a subject that's as fun as it is easy to discuss: death. It's a fact of life, but it's a fact that is, ultimately, unknowable. And that uncertainty can make it difficult for parents to talk about dying with their children. After all, parents often feel they need to provide their kids with definitive answers, and there is no "right" answer about what happens when a person dies. And that can make moms and dads feel helpless or uncomfortable.

Then, there's the grief process. How do parents fully experience the stages of grief when their kids depend on them? And will parental grief cause children be frightened, confused, or upset? How should parents address these topics? Should mothers and fathers talk candidly, or should they speak more vaguely about death and dying? Giyen Kim from Bacon Is My Enemy asks, "How do you broach the topic of death with your children?"

How did you talk to your kids about death? Does religion play a big factor in your discussions? Do you talk about the afterlife? And how does your children react to the subject? You can read our Tips on Talking to Your Kids About Death. You can also join the Momversation by commenting in our community.

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sclark1013
3 yearss ago

She is definitely an old soul already and I swear she has been here before. I feel that she comforts me sometimes more than I do for her. She was never one for wanting to hold onto helium balloons so whenever she gets one now she lets it go as a gift to her daddy. It lets him know where we have been; and if there is no message on the balloon we'll write our own to let him know we are doing ok. I know that I am still not ok with going to the cemetery to visit his niche and we have only visited one time since we interred him. Instead we look at old pictures together and share our memories when the spirit moves us. I haven't done anything that regularly celebrates him, but I think in everything that we do we are thinking of him.

Giyen
3 yearss ago

You are hilarious. : ) Perhaps we could keep going to 888.

Quel
3 yearss ago

My son is only one, but we pray every night. His bedtime prayer, you know the one that begins, "Now I lay me own to sleep..." is all about death. It's a total primer for future conversations about death and the afterlife. I imagine when he starts to ask questions, I'll ask him first what he thinks happens when someone dies and what he thinks about heaven. I won't lie to him, but I'll let him hold on to his own whimsical ideas about what death is and what happens after during his early years to preserve some of his innocence. I'm planning to do the same about Santa and the Easter Bunny and Jesus (not to put J.C. on the same level as Santa and E.B., but to a child, they're all imaginary at first). He'll have plenty of time to learn the hard facts. They're only kids for a few years, you know? Shouldn't they be the most carefree? Quel @ http://www.homegirl.typepad.com

MillaTimes.com
3 yearss ago

sorry for your loss, Given!! i wish i had something riveting and profound to say, but all i can offer is a virtual hug, and encourage you to eat copious amount of bacon or cheesecake or whatever else makes you feel better when you're down. F the diet!! again, muy condolences. sucks.

prettybabies
3 yearss ago

My mom said something to me about death that really stuck with me. She said, "If no one ever died, there wouldn't be space on the planet for babies to be born. Think of how crowded the world would be! And I don't know about you, but I don't want to live in a world without children." It was a very secular explanation, and yet it made perfect sense to me. So, when I'm sad about someone's death, I think of how grateful I am to live in a world full of babies and children, and it makes it a little less painful. Also, I was ticked off one time that a friend of mine died at 29, while my cranky old bat of a grandmother will probably live to be a hundred and twelve. "It's not fair!" I cried. "Well, if we all lived the same amount of time, that would be fair, right?" "Yeah," I sniffed. "But," Mom said, "Think about how different your life would be if you knew that you had 75 years exactly. Think about how that would change your choices. Do you think it would change them for better or worse?" I realized, then, that it wouldn't be better if the universe were fair, and everyone got a set amount of time to live. People would be creeps to each other, then start asking each others' forgiveness when they were 74 and 3/4. Again, secular, and it really helped. I'm sorry for your loss, Giyen. (and sorry for calling you Kim earlier, not sure where my head was!) Amy @ http://prettybabies.blogspot.com

flybunny
3 yearss ago

My Mom (lung) and MIL (ovarian) were diagnosed with cancer 3 months apart in 2001. My MIL passed away 18 months later when my daughters were 4 and 5.5. At first we only told them that Nonna was sick but as they watched her slowly decline, they really pulled away from her and didn't want to spend much time with her UNTIL we told them what was happening. Once they understood that Nonna had cancer and that she was going to die and soon, they were no longer scared of the changes and started laying in bed with her and rubbing her feet and back - well at least for the 17 seconds they would sit still. We allowed them to be a part of the grieving process. They understood that we were sad and that it was ok for them to be sad and even angry. I have to say they were champs through the whole process. Since then we have lost both of their great-grandfathers, great-uncle and Grandma. They understand the process, they don't like it but they understand that dying is a part of the life cycle. It is horrible and it sucks but we can't change it. We grieve and cry and that is OK. Just a few weeks ago my now 11 yr old wanted to talk about her grandmothers and how much she missed them and how sad she is that her baby sister, who was born 8wks before my Mom died, will never know them. We talked about stories that she remembered and ones she didn't. She talked about how fun they were and how she always felt loved. She is determined that her baby sister will know how much her grandma's would have loved her. As an aside, my older brother did not want his kids to attend my Mom's funeral because it would be too sad. The kids were 17, 14, 13 and 10 and I was very upset with him. Yes it was sad but she was their grandma and she loved them to pieces. They stayed home with their Mom but that is a whole other story. So from my little corner, I think it is very important to talk about death and to be as honest as your kids can handle. Kids are far stronger than I think we ever give them credit forl.

sclark1013
3 yearss ago

This is kind of a timely topic for me and my daughter. Tuesday, March 3rd, will be the 2 year anniversary of my husband passing (from brain cancer). My daughter was 3 at the time and very close to her father. I was honest about what happened to her dad. I was honest about what I felt. I was honest in letting her know I didn't know why he got sick with cancer. Now, 2 years later we are comfortable talking about his death. What I feel is still difficult is getting her to talk about how she feels. We attend a support group for kids ages 5-8 who have lost someone close. She enjoys the group, but tells me that she always passes when it's her turn to talk. While she mentions that she misses her day everyday, she won't go any further with her feelings. I'm just giving her time to come around and letting her know that I will be available when she is ready to talk.

Giyen
3 yearss ago

Big hugs. My mother died when I was 7. I would like to say that almost 30 years later I am used to it, but I'm not. It just is something you learn to live with. Your daughter will talk eventually, I started talking about it when I was a teen when I had a better grasp on the impact that it had and knew how to articulate what I was feeling. Then again, I didn't have a support group either. There are a lot more resources regarding grieving than in the 80's. It sounds like you are doing all the right things.

denise karis
3 yearss ago

i was halfway thru this video and thinking 'i am so lucky ive never been close to anyone who has died." My great grandma dies several years ago, but she was 105 and no one was surprised - she also spoke spanish only, so i didnt really know her. my mother came home from the bank while i was watching this and informed me that someone just ran over my cat. I have been in tears for the last hour - i dont think im ready for a thing like death. I cant handle my cat dying, i certainly cannot handle a family member dying -

Giyen
3 yearss ago

Amy, thanks so much. I really appreciate it. And thanks so much for the good laugh. I actually laughed out loud about the 74 3/4 thing. I can imagine if that were the case, Hallmark would have a whole series of greeting cards for that age like: "Sorry for being an a**hole for 74 out of 75 years, please forgive me, I'm dying in a year ..."

How Do You Talk to Your Kids About Death?

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