The Mommy Wars

The so-called "mommy wars" have been a go-to story in the media for years now. Working moms vs. stay-at-home moms. Breastfeeding mothers vs. formula feeders. Conservatives vs. liberals. Sure, moms might disagree with each other over the issues of child-raising, but are they really "at war?" Maggie Mason of Mighty Girl asks, "Are the mommy wars a myth?"

Do you think the mommy wars are real? If not, what do you think the purpose of perpetuating the myth is? If you think they're real, what do you think is causing them? Join the Momversation by commenting in one of our related forums.

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Cynthia
3 yearss ago

I was 3/4 of the way accepted into Duke as a PhD candidate for literary and cultural studies. Does that count:)

Mindy
3 yearss ago

I won Prom Queen. Also - lets not forget that media constructs often revolve around the 'it" demographic, and this decade we seem to be it. "Cherchez la femme." Or, if you will, "Follow the money."

Jojo
3 yearss ago

I think it helps to not have the time (or interest) to watch television, especially these morning talk shows. I too have never heard the term. I am a mom in a university community with a mix of working moms and stay-at-home moms. We have some different interests, needs, and opinions but the tension is not any greater than one can find among any group of women. That said, I do find a fair bit of pressure in my academic community to just push on ahead after having a baby. Everyone complains about childcare but it is the norm to just put your kid in daycare or find a nanny and to keep at "it" with a fervor to finish whatever "it" happens to be. I'm glad that I am 37 with a new baby because I can draw from my life experience to help remind myself that it is a perfectly valid choice to stop and enjoy the early years (if you can). They go by quickly and there is no way to "do it later". So, I'm off subject here but it has been on my mind a lot lately.

YogaMamaMe
3 yearss ago

Daphne and I must hang out in the same mommy neighborhood because I'm just not aware of this "Mommy Wars" phenomenon. Perhaps to be a part of them you have to perform some equivalent to joining the armed forces -- like watching morning t.v. talk shows. Plainly, it's a media construct, and plainly this is how the morning talk shows boost their ratings. My experience has been that the people who buy into this sort of media hype generally aren't the ones directly affected by it. (Several years ago, I wrote a humorous but painful little essay about trying to conceive at 39; Newsweek turned it into a sad little piece about how -- whine, whine -- I can't get pregnant because I waited too long. (Still steams me to be so mischaracterized.) The responses in the following issue's letters were all entirely unsympathetic and downright mean and quite obviously written by people who'd never been in my position. The support I received online from women who were in my position far outweighed the media crap.) The real kernel of what you guys were saying, I think, is that, as mothers, we have an inclination to judge others -- some to the extent of becoming those outlying hecklers. But, really, isn't what lies at the base of all judgment our own insecurities? And is there a single one of us who doesn't feel insecure about at least some of her parenting choices? Not because we're unsure of ourselves as mothers but because we need SOMETHING to judge ourselves for. In other words, it's all about me and my food issues, not about your choice to feed your child neon-colored goldfish snacks. And, puh-leeze, don't get me started on the Palin thing. As a disability rights advocate, I am sickened by the hero-status she got for actually, gasp, choosing to give birth to a child with a disability (especially since she is fervently anti-choice and presumably did it because god wouldn't let her do anything else). Okay, 'nuff. The less said about her the better.

YogaMamaMe
3 yearss ago

And then there are those of us who couldn't wait for the full-time parenting and then became aware that, for those of us not cut out for whole days spent reading Cat in the Hat and stacking blocks, preschool is a very, very, very good thing.

nicoleballet
3 yearss ago

haha Daphne's cracking me up this morning. Hmmm I think it's human nature to judge. I judge. I totally do. I'll go home and say to my husband, "You would not be-LIEVE what this person did!" Or I'll say it in my head. BUT I won't go up to that person, confront them, and whip out the judgey finger because ultimately, unless their actions affect me directly it is none of my business. I think it is hard to make sure that the judgmental attitude doesn't seep into conversations with that person, and that's where I really sort of police myself. And yes I do wonder how Sarah Palin does it, and I wonder about any hard-working mother how they do it. TELL ME! But I'm not judging, I just seriously wish they would pass on the knowledge to my un-knowing self. Just from being on this site I think everyone is of the opinion to mind yo business because really, if you feel like you can tell someone else what to do, you have to be open to the fact that it means they can tell you what to do. So Mommy Wars? I'm going with, I think it's blown up from a few bad apples in the bunch. And the rest of us are TOTALLY TALKING ABOUT YOU BEHIND YOUR BACK.

starrlife
3 yearss ago

I don't see it as a war- I agree that is the media's construction. However, although intellectually I try not to judge I still find myself jealous (I know it's unreasonable) of SAHM's and find myself secretly comparing... I had a SAHM mom who was not a happy camper so probably that had something to do with it. Also, some women LOVE being a childraiser and live to have children- I was never one of those (altho I adore my daughter and was surprised at how much motherhood was wonderful) so what there might be to be jealous of is hard to say when rational! I guess the juggling and forced compartmentalization is the thing that I most resent about working and envy the integration/apparent seamlessness of the SAHM's lives. Of course it is clear that SAHM's have the most time to blog so they seem to be the majority out there of famous bloggers! LOL (I know blogging for money is hard work!).

5minutesformom
3 yearss ago

I agree there is no real war going on between Moms. There are likely some moms who feel strongly about their decisions and sometimes don't understand or agree with other women's decisions, but there is no war. Our site 5 Minutes for Mom is an example of all types of moms coming together and supporting each other. We have readers who work at home, work outside of the home and stay at home moms and everyone is cool with each other. Susan

Piraterose
3 yearss ago

See I would have to disagree that it's a media construct. Maybe I've been on one too many messageboards, The claws are definitely out on certain boards and woe be it if you are in minority at the moment. I think another things were you can clearly see the division is playgroups. A few times I've been asked if I wanted to join a playgroup. And I'm all sure when do you meet? Tuesdays at 4. And you should hear the pity in their voice "Oh... you work." Even the public places indirectly create lines. At least by me all the library storytimes and special free family movies at theaters are during the week. I have yet to find a library near be willing to start a library storytime during a weekend. Especially in regard to WOHM/SAHM debate, I just think there's this timing issue, where it's hard to find time and space to have middle ground, because our schedules are so different. We end up running in different packs. Seriously except for two family cousins I don't personally know any SAH in real life. Maybe that's my community or economic level or what ever.

CallieAnnie23
3 yearss ago

I don't know about mommy wars for my own generation, but I did see that concept play out with my own mother. I remember watching her participate in these all-out debates with other mothers over the basic hot-button issues on which she was absolutely sure she had the right take, and making other parents, especially working mothers, feel really bad about. She complained about providing homemade snacks for other kids whose parents brought Little Debbie cupcakes to whatever after-school activity, "having" to teach their kids catechism, being the main carpool person, etc, and directly lambasted them for not following in her example. Her views amounted to pretty much just conservativism. She advocated on a grassroots basis for SAHMs, homeschooling, hauling kids to church everyday and twice on Sundays (and that's not an exaggeration), and pretty much had an opinion on every health topic from birth through death, since she'd been a nurse before I was born. Now it's my turn to be the mom, and at 23 with an almost- two-year-old, I'm consciously or unconsciously doing the opposite. I work, I don't do church on an organized level, my son is starting a private school as very soon as they'll take him, and I'll do my own health research, thanks. Do I still get opinons from my mother on all of those topics? You bet. But I'm going to do what's best for my family and I can only believe that she did what she truly believed was best for hers. I think the mommy wars are more of a generational conflict, at least in my case.

The Mommy Wars

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