Toxic Friends

One day she's your best buddy; the next day she won't return your phone calls. She's your frenemy... you know, your friend/enemy. She's a part of your life, but should you invest in a relationship that makes you feel bad? Dana Loesch of Mamalogues asks our panelists, "How do you handle a toxic friend?"

Have you had a toxic friend? Do you currently? Do you think people should cut frenemies out of their lives or try to repair the friendships? Join the Momversation by commenting in the forums below:

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Showing the Latest of 27 Comments

SomethingGirl
3 yearss ago

I've always find that people get really angry when you DON'T just call them names. When you use actual big-girl words and get specific they FLIP OUT because they know there's truth in it and that you're being a critical thinker, not just exaggerating to let off steam. And at that point they know the only appropriate response from them needs to be, "You're right. I'm sorry." and asking some people to say that is like asking them to amputate their own gangrene limb: they know they have to, they know that keeping the gangrene (anger, resentment, pride) will kill them but they don't have the ovaries to woman up and do what's needed. It's true-- "eventually you stop worrying that they'll even grow." That said a lot right there.

Jojo
3 yearss ago

I have let go of quite a few friends during important/painful/happy life transitions. If a friend basically backs out of your life after a close loved one dies, are they worth keeping around during the good times? if a friend does not bother to congratulate you after you have a baby but then pops up in your life several months later to share their big news, is that really a friend? I don't know if these would be considered "toxic" friends as described by the panelists. It is painful to lose friends but big upheavals in life can give you the opportunity to do some house cleaning that helps in the long run. It also opens you up to new experiences and new people you may not have run across because you were wrapped up in friends who were way past their expiration date.

miavitabella
3 yearss ago

Completely agree. Friendships should be a happy addition to your life as opposed to bringing you down all the time. When I was younger I had a lot of toxic friends, not only in the negative 'bring you down' aspects but also just the simple fact that these girls were just not good for me in the 'let's get in as much trouble as possible and then blame it all on you' aspect. There is a line. Once crossed you start to realize there are just more important things in life, like being happy, healthy (which is not easy to do with little wasps fluttering around your head) and comfortable enough to say 'enough is enough... smarten up and start acting like a real friend or bugger off'!

Michellshell
3 yearss ago

What do you do when the most toxic person in your life is your mother??? I have two close friends. I like to keep it low like that because of how mean woman can be. Maybe I just keep finding mean girls because of my growing up experience. Maybe I'm less tolerant because of my childhood and adulthood with my mother. I didn't speak to my mother or have anything to do with her for 2 years. I'm sure not gonna keep someone else in my life who can't control their behavior or mouth or whatever. Its like this: You can't be nice-k- get gone. Actually, now that I'm thinking about it, what does "close" really mean? Does it mean hanging out all the time and calling them up the moment you are distressed and visa versa? Then I have 0 close girlfriends. I'm just not anxious to hang out with people in general.

hismom
3 yearss ago

I agree. There are friends that I truly consider to be real friends that I may not talk to on a regular basis but I know that if I need them they're there and vice versa. Its a good idea to do a little spring cleaning every once in awhile and evaluate friendships that you've cultivated. If the friendship isn't mutually beneficial, or you spend most of your time tip-toeing around to not piss them off, then its not worth it. Just break up. :O) I do agree with the panelists that getting rid of those friends can be harder than getting rid of a boyfriend. We tell friends things that we wouldn't tell other people and if things end badly, you have to just cross your fingers and hope that they're big enough to not try and use any of that junk as ammunition. Nikki www.lucidinsanity.net

prettybabies
3 yearss ago

I had a friend for a very long time who sucked the life out of me. She and I became friends my freshman year of high school. She was a bridesmaid in my wedding. But she made EVERYTHING about her (even MY wedding!). She expected me to drop everything and jump when she called, no matter what, to the exclusion of everything else. She made some very questionable choices in her private life... choices that I didn't agree with and felt reflected badly on me. She was ALL about drama all the time. She was demanding. Being her friend was EXHAUSTING. After a couple of "offs" in our on and off friendship, I finally broke it off for good. I just wasn't getting out of the relationship what I was putting into it. Life is short and time is limited - I don't have enough time to spend on the people I *want* to be around - why spend time on people I don't really want to be around? I didn't "break up" with her - just stopped returning her calls. It didn't take long for her to get the hint. If she had confronted me, though, I would've said, "I'm sorry, but I don't believe that I'm getting out of this as much as I'm putting into it, and I have other priorities right now." Amy @ http://prettybabies.blogspot.com

The Moxie Report
3 yearss ago

Good friends are golden. Keep em'. I have old college friends, work friends, yoga friends, and dear best friends. Not a toxic one in the bunch. I'm a staight shooter so I don't put up with any bull shit. Tracy

Britt
3 yearss ago

I can totally relate to you prettybabies. I too had a friend throughout high school who made everything about her, only I didn't realize it until later. I didn't know who I was so she took advantage of that and took control of my life. I remember wanting to be just like her. Oh how misguided I was. Our friendship had a falling out my senior year when I suddenly started being my own person. Years later I find myself in the same small town as her and she's wanting to cultivate our friendship again. I figured we're both big girls now and way past high school so I've consented. Unfortunately I've been feeling more hurt and stressed since she's reentered my life. I've been having fertility issues for a couple of years now and it's been really hard on me. I'm not a walking pity party, but sometimes I just need to vent about how inconsiderate, awkward, stupid, and downright rude people are about it. My "friend" has zero tolerance for my feelings and thinks I'm being ungrateful for the opportunity to adopt. I think adoption is a wonderful blessing for so many people, including quite possibly myself, but a woman still has to cope with the fact that her body isn't doing what it was designed to do. My friend actually said to me, "Why are you so upset that you can't have children? You have a free ticket to adopt. I've always wanted to adopt, but my husband doesn't want to. It's so difficult for me." And she says this as she's holding her newborn which is also her third child. She took MY infertility issue and made it about poor HER! Where's the rule that you can't adopt if you have your own children already?! I've decided that she is and will always be toxic to me so I'm looking forward to moving away for my hubby's medical school because it will cause that friendship to dissolve once again, this time for good. For now I limit the time I spend with her and I've stopped sharing anything close to my heart. I only talk about surface stuff with her and to be honest, she hasn't really noticed because she's so wrapped up in herself. If I didn't have the bail-out of moving, I would have to take a stand and do a clean cut.

Pat
3 yearss ago

Maybe I have been hurt once too many by girl"friends" but I choose to stay away from women friends in general. I went to an all girls catholic school and I still get nightmares sometimes; all the back stabbing, the "competitivness" and the putting down of other girls that went around made me less attracted to women as friends. I can count how many girlfriends I have right now on of one hand (and still have a couple of fingers left to spare). It just seems that women are just so cruel toward each other sometimes.

PB Rippey
3 yearss ago

I took my baby to see a friend who had yet to see my son, making a trek into knuckle-whitening, traffic-clogged Hollywood (a big deal!). We were together for less than an hour and apparently that was enough for her--just as my son fell asleep on my lap, my friend "suddenly remembered" some work she had to do and I was dismissed. This woman is not married and does not have children and she wants those things very much and I think this "want" had to do with how she treated me that day. Still, my feelings were so hurt! And I let her know this. She responded by calling ME "hurtful". It's not the first time I've been told by her that I need to be understanding of her "situation", or been snubbed by her, or had her cancel plans on me. I am an understanding person, but I felt it was basically one way. I left that relationship. 6 months later she wrote to me admitting she was insensitive and that she craves my friendship. I believe in personal growth and change and I hope she is growing and changing, but I don't think she's ever going to change when it comes to the way she treats me--this conclusion reached after a few sessions of soul searching. I thanked her for her apology (I sincerely did appreciate it), but that's it. I'm moving on. Truthfully, I'd rather have no friends than repeatedly be treated unkindly by someone I'm calling a friend. I got out of it as gracefully as I could, did the best I could. I don't regret leaving.

Toxic Friends

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